


Welcome to Hell

by MadSinners



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, And Kiibo at some points, Butts, Crack, Cuddle Pile, Everyone Is Gay, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Heavily referenced incest, I Don't Even Know, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Kiyo high key fucks his sister, Kokichi is just as gay, Kork angst happens?? Not intentional but it happened, M/M, Maki give 0 fucks and is having none of this, Maki's getting better it was just for a plot point, Miyadora shows up and she is NOT good, Ooc warning for Maki, Ryouma is high-key ignored most of the time, Shuuichi is so pretty, Suicide Attempt, Tenko's really gay, That'll change at some point, The depression stuff is in chap 12, Tw for heavily implied suicide attempt, butt touching, everyone is dating but no one is dating, kirumi is a MOM, skip it if you can't deal with that stuff, they're all hoes, tw for depression
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-27
Updated: 2018-08-05
Packaged: 2019-03-09 23:03:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 16,660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13491648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MadSinners/pseuds/MadSinners
Summary: Kokichi starts a group chat (cause no one's eeeeeever written about that before) and everyone hates itThings get gay real quickI wrote this in the middle of the night and updates will probably also be in the middle of the nightAnd the first chapter is kinda short





	1. kokichi ouma added four people to a group chat

**Author's Note:**

> Tell me if there's continuity errors, these are written in the middle of the night/early morning. I'm doing my best

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kokichi creates hell

_**Kokichi** **Ouma added Shuuichi Saihara, Gonta Gokuhara, Kaito Momota and Kirumi Toujo to a group chat**_

__

**Kokichi Ouma:** sup fuckers

**Kokichi Ouma:** ew i gotta deal with these ugly default names

 

**_Kokichi Ouma changed their nickname to sup fuckers_ **

**_Kokichi Ouma changed Shuuichi Saihara's nickname to sherlock gnomes_ **

_**Kokichi Ouma changed Gonta Gokuhara's nickname to bug boi** _

**_Kokichi Ouma changed Kaito Momota's nickname to buzz lightyear_ **

**_Kokichi Ouma changed Kirumi Toujo's nickname to mom_ **

_**Kokichi Ouma changed the group chat name to hell** _

__

**mom:** Whatexactly is the point of this?

**sup fuckers:** well it was meant to be a class gc but apparently i only have you guys, so youre gonna need to help me add everyone

**bug boi:** oh! Gonta can add some people!

 

_**bug boi has added Miu Iruma, Himiko Yumeno and Ryouma Hoshi to the group chat** _

__

**Miu Iruma:** kokichi i thought i told you you were the only person i did not want to be in a kinky group chat with

**Himiko Yumeno:** ouch

**Ryouma Hoshi:** yikes

**sup fuckers:** im hurt

**sup fuckers:** but this isnt the kinky one

**sup fuckers:** im saving that for when i can add kiyo and angie since youre being difficult >:(

 

_**sup fuckers changed Miu Iruma's nickname to kinky bicth** _

_**sup fuckers changed Himiko Yumeno's nickname to nyeh** _

_**sup fuckers changed Ryouma Hoshi's nickname to 3'5** _

__

**3'5:** look buddy, I'm not saying I'll break your kneecaps

**3'5:** but I will break your fucking kneecaps

**nyeh:** savage

**sup fuckers:** himiko how dare you betray me like this

 

_**Himiko Yumeno added Tenko Chabashira and Angie Yonaga to the group chat** _

__

**Tenko Chabashira:** YAYYY! HIMIKO ADDED TENKO TO A GROUP CHAT :DDD

**Angie Yonaga:** Uwu? What's this?

**nyeh:** did you just phrase "uwu" as a question

**Angie Yonaga:** Perhaps

 

_**nyeh removed Angie Yonaga from the group chat** _

__

**3'5:** who's the savage now

 

_**nyeh removed 3'5 from the group chat** _

__

**sup fuckers:** alright,i think that's quite enough of you missy

 

_**sup fuckers added Angie Yonaga and 3'5 to the group chat** _

__

**3'5:** goddammit the fucking nickname stayed

**sup fuckers:** look i dont normally ask for help and all i ask is that you get the rest of our class in here so I can give them dumb nicknames and laugh about it

 

_**Angie Yonaga added Korekiyo Shinguuji to the group chat** _

_**buzz lightyear added Maki Harukawa to the group chat** _

_**Maki Harukawa left the group chat** _

**_kinky bicth added K1-B0 to the group chat_ **

_**buzz lightyear added Maki Harukawa to the group chat** _

_**mom added Kaede Akamatsu to the group chat** _

_**Maki Harukawa left the group chat** _

_**Kaede Akamatsu added Tsumugi Shirogane to the group chat** _

_**buzz lightyear added Maki Harukawa to the group chat** _

_**K1-B0 added Rantaro Amami to the group chat** _

_**Maki Harukawa left the group chat** _

_**mom added Maki Harukawa to the group chat** _

__

**Maki Harukawa:** yeah okay, fair enough.

**buzz lightyear:** harumaki pls

 

_**sup fuckers changed Angie Yonaga nickname to art hoe** _

_**sup fuckers changed Tenko Chabashira's nickname to gay** _

_**sup fuckers changed Korekiyo Shinguuji's nickname to totally into incest** _

**totally into incest:** it was one time

 

_**sup fuckers changed K1-B0's nickname to do robots have dicks** _

_**sup fuckers changed Kaede Akamatsu's nickname to yo whats the scoop** _

_**sup fuckers changed Tsumugi Shirogane's nickname to who is she** _

_**sup fuckers changed Rantaro Amami's nickname to too many sisters** _

_**sup fuckers changed Maki Harukawa's nickname to harumaki** _

__

**harumaki:** this is not a murder threat or anything

**harumaki:** but change it before I murder you

 

_**sup fuckers changed harumaki's nickname to im too young to die** _

**_im too young to die changed their nickname to fuck off kokichi_ **

__

**sup fuckers:** friendly

**3'5:** you still never fucking changed mine

**yo whats the scoop:**  I don't???? Get mine?????

**sup fuckers:** yknow that vine that goes

**sup fuckers:** yo whats the scoop

**sup fuckers:** penis

**sup fuckers:** well just calling you penis was too obvious so i made it more abstract

**sup fuckers:** and dont judge me on the names its 2am i do not feel creative rn

**sherlock gnomes:** what the fuck did I sleep through


	2. gay shit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> kokichi calls shuuichi pretty and tenko is gay

**sup fuckers:** sHUUICHI STOP IT

**sherlock gnomes:** stop what??????

**sup fuckers:** BEING SO FUCKING PRETTY

**buzz lightyear:** STOP HITTING ON MY SIDEKICK

**mom:**  Aren't you all in class?

**sup fuckers:**  arent you also

**mom:**  ......... Touché.

**buzz lightyear:**  Kirumi what's the answer to 4

**mom:**  Kaito, if you want to be an astronaut, you're going to need to learn this stuff yourself.

**buzz lightyear:** but moooooooooooom

**fuck off kokichi:**  it's 19, but I'm not telling you why. You'll get yelled at for cheating if you don't have the working anyway.

**3'5:**  damn

**nyeh:**  that's cold

**gay:**  SLAY HIS DEGENERATE ASS

**kinky bicth:** guys me and angie are taking a test shut up or ill shove a dildo up every single one of your asses

**totally into incest:**  it's "angie and I"

**kinky bicth:**  someone's asking for a dildo

**totally into incest:** please god do it

**kinky bicth:**  NEVERMIND ABORT THE MISSION

**art hoe:**  Atua will destroy you all

**mom:**  Get off your phones and take your damn test.

**art hoe:**  yes mom

**kinky bicth:** yes mom

 

~several hours later~

 

**sherlock gnomes:**  WAIT WHY DID KOKICHI CALL ME PRETTY

**sup fuckers:**  LOOK IN A MIRROR

**sup fuckers:** youre prettiness was distracting me from my work

**sherlock gnomes:** *your

**sup fuckers:** im suddenly straight

**sherlock gnomes:**  y'know what, I don't even care, you used the wrong your

 

~even more hours later~

 

**buzz lightyear:** HIMIKO

**nyeh:**  it wasn't me

**buzz lightyear:**  what

**nyeh:**  ....... nothing

**buzz lightyear:**  ...okay?

**buzz lightyear:**  ANYWAY

**buzz lightyear:** CONTROL YOUR GIRLFRIEND

**nyeh:**  can y'all stop calling Tenko my girlfriend

**gay:**  Tenko doesn't mind

**nyeh:**  of course your gay ass doesn't mind

**nyeh:** but what did she do

**buzz lightyear:**  SHE HIT ME

**nyeh:** you probably deserved it

**gay:**  he was trying to corrupt Maki!

**gay:**  oh you were on Tenko's side already

**gay:** WAIT HIMIKO WAS ON TENKO'S SIDE ALREADY?

**nyeh:** oh god what have I done

**buzz lightyear:**  HOW CAN I CORRUPT MAKI, SHE'S ALREADY MAKI

**gay:**  YOU WERE BEING A PERVERTED DEGENERATE MALE

**buzz lightyear:** THAT IS NOT CORRECT

**fuck off kokichi:** that is completely correct

**fuck off kokichi:**  but I could have handled him Tenko

**gay:**  TENKO COULD NOT LET THE DEGENERATE CONTINUE

**fuck off kokichi:**  Tenko pls, I'm one of the few people that could probably beat you up in hand to hand combat, I don't need you to defend me

**gay:**  but.... I wanted to

**art hoe:** this is the gayest shit I've ever seen

**art hoe:**  Atua would be pleased

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's 3:35am and I'm feeling gay


	3. where the FUCK are my handcuffs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kiyo's plans are questionable, Himiko's innocence is destroyed, Kirumi is cancelled, and fuck knows what else

 

**totally into incest:**  miu

**totally into incest:** sweetheart

**totally into incest:** honey

**totally into incest:**  where the FUCK

**totally into incest:**  are my handcuffs

**nyeh:** what the actual shit

**kinky bicth:** what

**kinky bicth:**  I haven't touched your shit for weeks??

**art hoe:**  oopsie

**totally into incest:**  ANGIE GIVE THEM THE FUCK BACK

 

**_nyeh changed their nickname to too innocent for this shit_ **

__

**art hoe:**  make me

**mom:**  I'm disowning all three of you.

**kinky bicth:**  MOMMY NO

**mom:**  You are no child of mine.

 

_**too innocent for this shit changed art hoe's nickname to just a hoe**_

__

**just a hoe:**  wow Himiko

**just a hoe:**  I thought we were friends

**gay:**  HIMIKO WOULD NEVER BE FRIENDS WITH THE LIKES OF YOU

**too innocent for this shit:**  I am your friend

**too innocent for this shit:**  but that doesn't mean you're not a hoe

**too innocent for this shit:**  you hoe

**mom:**  If you continue to corrupt my child, I will be forced to take action.

**too innocent for this shit:**  yas momma kirumi

**just a hoe:**  can I be adopted again if I stop being a hoe

**mom:**  You'll never stop being a hoe, Angie.

**just a hoe:**  you right, you right

**3'5:**  is literally no one gonna acknowledge that kiyo called miu sweetheart and honey

**too innocent for this shit:**  I don't want to acknowledge it

**too innocent for this shit:**  please just let me forget everything

**buzz lightyear:**  I'm gonna kms, I can hear Kiyo moaning

**totally into incest:**  Way to jump to conclusions. Those were moans of anguish- I ran into some unpleasant images online while looking for images that were more satisfying.

**kinky bicth:**  ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

**just a hoe:**  ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

**mom:**  ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

**too innocent for this shit:**  MOTHER NO

**fuck off kokichi:**  WHAT DID YOU DO TO MOM

**gay:**  YOU HEATHENS

**just a hoe:**  TENKO THAT'S NOT WHAT THAT WORD MEANS

**gay:**  I'LL STICK THAT WORD UP YOUR ASS

**totally into incest:**  please do it to me instead

**gay:**  this conversation is cancelled

**who is she:**  I stop looking at my phone for oNE DAY AND I COME BACK TO THIS

**too innocent for this shit:**  this chat was made two days ago

**who is she:**  I can't find it????

**too innocent for this shit:**  ?????

**who is she:** where I fucking asked

**3'5:** goddamn

**fuck off kokichi:**  hey ryouma

**fuck off kokichi:** are you ever going to actually contribute to this chat

**3'5:**  says the girl who had to be added four times

**buzz lightyear:**  Maki's door just slammed open

**3'5:**  welp, I wanna die anyway

**yo what's the scoop:**  what the hell did I just come back to

**sup fuckers:** hell

 

 ~a few minutes later~

 

**buzz lightyear:**  KIYO IS MOANING AGAIN

**buzz lightyear:**  PLEASE DEAR GOD SHOW UP AND TELL ME IT'S MOANS OF ANGUISH AGAIN

**buzz lightyear:**  WHY ISN'T HE SAYING ANYTHING

**just a hoe:**  isn't his sister visiting rn

**buzz lightyear:**  O H  G O D

**just a hoe:**  Atua will not save you

**sherlock gnomes:**  what the fuck did I sleep through now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Himiko- too innocent for this shit  
> Angie- just a hoe  
> Tenko- gay  
> Kiyo- totally into incest  
> Kaito- buzz lightyear  
> Maki- fuck off kokichi  
> Ryoma- 3'5  
> Miu- kinky bicth  
> Kirumi- mom  
> Kaede- yo what's the scoop  
> Tsumugi- who is she  
> Shuichi- sherlock gnomes  
> Kokichi- sup fuckers  
> Kiibo- do robots have dicks  
> Gonta- bug boi  
> Rantaro- too many sisters


	4. cuddle pile

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rantaro appears and Kokichi needs cuddles. Kinda feels ig, and fluffy as hecc for the most part

**too innocent for this shit:** what the fuck just happened behind me, I heard something

**buzz lightyear:** I heard something too???  
 **too innocent for this shit:** why are Tenko and Maki on the ground  
 **buzz lightyear:** what???  
 **too innocent for this shit:** TURN AROUND DIPSHIT  
 **buzz lightyear:** yeah ok that makes sense  
 **buzz lightyear:** woah they are on the floor

~a few minutes later~

**too innocent for this shit:** Maki and Tenko walked into each other and fell over while s talking us in case anyone wanted to know  
 **sherlock gnomes:** what the fuck Maki  
 **too innocent for this shit:** I like how we all just expect this from Tenko  
 **sherlock gnomes:** well yeah  
 **gay:** >:(  
 **too innocent for this shit:** also, Maki threw her phone out the window  
 **sherlock gnomes:** what the fuck Maki x2  
 **too innocent for this shit:** I think it hit someone  
 **3'5:** 2 someones  
 **3'5:** it bounced off gonta and hit me  
 **buzz lightyear:** goddamit harumaki

~soon~

**sherlock gnomes:** wait didn't Rantaro get back today  
 **too many sisters:** haha yeah I did  
 **too many sisters:** I've just been getting caught up on everything I missed while I was away  
 **buzz lightyear:** welcome back  
 **do robots have dicks:** has anyone spoken to Kokichi today? He stopped teasing me abruptly earlier and I'm getting concerned. He's not in his room  
 **too many sisters:** he's fine

_**too many sisters sent a photo** _

**too many sisters:** I've got him ;)  
 **buzz lightyear:** wait is he on you  
 **too many sisters:** ya  
 **buzz lightyear:** why  
 **too many sisters:** cause he missed me and he was having a bad day  
 **too many sisters:** also because I'm warm 24/7  
 **too many sisters:** except when it's hot  
 **too many sisters:** then I'm cold  
 **too many sisters:** basically I'm perfect ;)

__**too many sisters set their nickname to utter perfection  
**  
 **buzz lightyear:** no you're a narcissistic avocado

**utter perfection:** >:O

**buzz lightyear:**  but are you two like... A thing

**buzz lightyear:**  or

**utter perfection:**  idk

**buzz lightyear:**  how can you not know

**utter perfection:**  we act like a thing

**utter perfection:**  were basically a thing

**utter perfection:**  but neither of us have ever even suggested actually being a thing

**utter perfection:**  hey kokichi are we a thing

**sup fuckers:**  fuck knows

**buzz lightyear:**  could you not have just asked him out loud

**sup fuckers:**  can we just  
 **sup fuckers:** appreciate kirumi for a second  
 **sup fuckers:** she's such a fucking angel  
 **sup fuckers:** it's been less than three minutes since rantaro said i was having a bad day  
 **sup fuckers:** and she just showed up with panta and cookies  
 **sup fuckers:** I'm so fucking blessed to have this mom  
 **utter perfection:** wait when did Himiko get here  
 **utter perfection:** how did she get there without me realising she was in the room  
 **utter perfection:** what  
 **too innocent for this shit:** maaaaagiiiiic  
 **too innocent for this shit:** jk I didn't need to use my magic for this  
 **too innocent for this shit:** you're just really oblivious

_**utter perfection set too innocent for this shit's nickname to sneaky mage** _

**gay:** WAIT WHERE IS HIMIKO  
 **gay:** YOU BETTER NOT BE CORRUPTING HER  
 **utter perfection:** she's like  
 **utter perfection:** wedged between me and kokichi  
 **utter perfection:** somehow  
 **buzz lightyear:** hey kokichi  
 **buzz lightyear:** open the door  
 **sup fuckers:** what  
 **buzz lightyear:** open the door

**sherlock gnomes:**  kaito get out the way

**sherlock gnomes:**  kaito that did not mean pick me up

**sherlock gnomes:**  kaito put me down now

**do robots have dicks:**  I feel like I've been abandoned

**do robots have dicks:**  I wanna be picked up T_T

**buzz lightyear:**  I think we all know I'm not strong enough to pick up both of you

**sup fuckers:**  kaito admitting a fault??? when did the apocalypse start???????

**buzz lightyear:**  fuck off

**sneaky mage:**  could you not have this conversation out loud?

**sherlock gnomes:**  no

**buzz lightyear:**  no

**do robots have dicks:**  absolutely not

**sup fuckers:**  what the fuck is an out loud

**mom:**  There are now more of you than I'd planned for. I will return in a moment with more cookies and panta.

**sup fuckers:**  what a MOM

**mom:**  and I will also let the three of you in, so no one need get up.

**do robots have dicks:**  I would like to formally request that Kirumi joins us in the upcoming cuddle pile

**sup fuckers:** seconded

**sneaky mage:**  thirded

**buzz lightyear:**  fourthed

**utter perfection:**  fifthed

**sherlock gnomes:**  sixthed

**mom:**  Request accepted.

**sup fuckers:**  yas :3

**sneaky mage:**  hey remember what happened when Angie phrased uwu as a question 

**sneaky mage:**  stop before I do it to you too

**sup fuckers:**  this is MY group chat

**sup fuckers:**  dont you ever fucking dare do that again

**buzz lightyear:**  what did she do

**sup fuckers:**  she fucking licked me

**gay:**  Himiko no

**sneaky mage:**  Himiko yes

**gay:**  I need to come monitor this situation

**utter perfection:**  you just wanna join the cuddle pile so you can hug himiko

**gay:**  yeah

**gay:**  also you said you're warm and like

**gay:**  you're one of the lesser degenerates

**utter perfection:**  awwww

**utter perfection:**  tenko almost complimented me

**gay:**  shut up

**utter perfection:**  can you bring some blankets + pillows tho

**utter perfection:**  my bed isn't big enough for this so we're gonna need to move down to the floor

**mom:**  Does anyone object to me taking their blankets and pillows?

**buzz lightyear:**  nah

**sup fuckers:**  i don't care if anyone objects, take them anyway

**mom:**  Does anyone object to me bringing everyone?

**sup fuckers:** pls do

**sherlock gnomes:**  kaede and tsumugi are at a con so leave their stuff alone, they'll be tired when they get back

**mom:**  Thank you, Shuuichi.

**sup fuckers:**  i cant wait for this fam

**buzz lightyear:**  I have a couple questions

**utter perfection:**  ?????

**buzz lightyear:**  1, how tf did Kirumi get everyone that fast

**buzz lightyear:**  2, am I hallucinating or is she carrying Gonta

**do robots have dicks:**  She's definitely carrying Gonta

**buzz lightyear:**  3, is Ryoma on Gonta's shoulders

**sherlock gnomes:**  omg he is

**utter perfection:**  you guys are all right next to each other

**sherlock gnomes:**  actually I'm above Kiibo cause Kaito's holding me, get your facts straight

**utter perfection:**  nothing about me is straight buddy

**sherlock gnomes:**  fair enough

**sup fuckers:**  this is gonna be lit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've wrote this then it got deleted. It took me way too long to redo.


	5. butts get touched

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Morning after the cuddle pile and no one has actually gotten up. Kaede and Tsumugi feel excluded, everyone else is having a great time™. Everyone touches everyone's butt.

**y** **o what's the scoop:**  :(

**who is she:**  :(

**sherlock gnomes:**  you weren't here, what did you expect us to do

**who is she:**  woah, shuuichi isn't asleep for once

**sherlock gnomes:**  don't sass me

**yo what's the scoop:**  are we sure it's me that has anemia and not shuuichi

**sherlock gnomes:**  I will fight you

**yo what's the scoop:**  oooooh I'm so scared

**yo what's the scoop:**  I've seen you with your shirt off, weakling

**sherlock gnomes:**  lol I love how you conveniently forget I've been working out since then :)

**buzz lightyear:**  he's actually making a lot of progress, lemme tell ya

**sup fuckers:**  shuuichi could take you any day kaede, what would you even do

**sup fuckers:**  wiggle your stronk piano fingers at him?

**sneaky mage:**  ha

**utter perfection:**  slay her bae

**buzz lightyear:**  this is the only time I'll ever encourage you

**yo what's the scoop:**  I feel so attacked :(

**who is she:**  dw babe ily

**yo what's the scoop:**  yay

**yo what's the scoop:** ily2

**gay:**  wait what

**gay:**  no

**gay:**  I'm the gay™

**who is she:**  I'm coming for your brand

**gay:**  >:O

**who is she:**  >:3c

 

_**sneaky mage removed who is she from the group chat** _

__

**sup fuckers:**  himiko pls this is MY group chat™

**sneaky mage:**  she was being offensive

**sup fuckers:**  himiko no

**sneaky mage:**  tenko fight him

**gay:**  I can't, you're on top of me

**sneaky mage:**  well shit

**sup fuckers:**  if you lick me one more time, i swear to atua ill hire someone to do some shit to you

**sneaky mage:**  wow I'm so threatened by that very specific and not at all vague threat

**sneaky mage:**  aaaaaaa. I'm doing a frighten.

**sup fuckers:**  stop roasting me it's only 10am

**yo what's the scoop:**  I'm bring Tsumugi back now

 

_**yo what's the scoop added who is she to the group chat** _

__

**who is she:**  I have been attacked and betrayed

**3'5:**  Maki hit me with a phone from the fourth floor yesterday, we all have our struggles buttercup

**3'5:**  get fucking used to it

**fuck off kokichi:**  thank you for returning it btw

**3'5:**  any time

**mom:**  Would anyone like me to fetch them anything? A drink, or breakfast?

**buzz lightyear:**  I wouldn't mind some juice

**sup fuckers:**  you fool

**sup fuckers:**  i, an intelectual, would like a drink of gravy

**sherlock gnomes:**  you spelled intellectual wrong

**sup fuckers:**  my life is cancelled

**sup fuckers:**  never mind, kirumi kissed my cheek

**gay:**  we know

**do robots have dicks:**  we all know

**sneaky mage:**  except kaede and tsumugi

**utter perfection:**  we're all on my floor

**kinky bicth:**  we witnessed it

**totally into incest:**  I hate to be a bother, but someone's hand is on my ass and I just want to know who's it is

**utter perfection:**  it might be mine

**just a hoe:**  wait then who's butt am I touching

**gay:**  I'm pretty sure my hands on SOMEONE'S butt, but it's anyone's guess who's

**sneaky mage:**  I know exactly who's butt my hand is on

**just a hoe:**  which of you just poked

**gay:**  me

**just a hoe:**  it's my butt you're touching

**gay:**  I can live with that

**totally into incest:**  please just tell me who's touching my butt

**just a hoe:**  well I'm gonna poke who ever's butt this is

**sherlock gnomes:**  that's my butt

**just a hoe:** nice

**utter perfection:**  I'm gonna smack whoever's ass this is cause I'm not a pussy

**do robots have dicks:**  do you regret your choice

**utter perfection:**  very much so

**utter perfection:**  hey kids, don't smack metal

**do robots have dicks:**  I don't understand how you couldn't tell it was my butt

**utter perfection:** ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

**gay:**  WAIT THERE'S A HAND ON MY BUTT TOO AND HIMIKO'S THE ONLY ONE LEFT

**sneaky mage:**  I know what I'm doing

**totally into incest:**  THEN WHO THE FUCK IS TOUCHING MY BUTT

**sneaky mage:**  will you shut up if I tell you

**totally into incest:** THAT'S LITERALLY ALL I WANT

**sneaky mage:**  it's Gonta

**sneaky mage:**  also, Maki, is it you touching my butt?

**fuck off kokichi:** oh I didn't realise it was your butt, I thought my hand was on your leg somewhere

**sneaky mage:**  don't bother moving or anything, I can was just checking

**totally into incest:**  is gonta still asleep or

**sneaky mage:**  no he just broke his phone and has no idea we're talking about him

**totally into incest:**  ah

**3'5:**  @ whoever is stroking me

**3'5:**  thank you

**sherlock gnomes:**  das me

**sherlock gnomes:**  :D

**3'5:**  :D

**who is she:**  the cuteness of all of this makes me sick

**mom:**  So... No to breakfast then? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Himiko- sneaky mage  
> Angie- just a hoe  
> Tenko- gay  
> Kiyo- totally into incest  
> Kaito- buzz lightyear  
> Maki- fuck off kokichi  
> Ryoma- 3'5  
> Miu- kinky bicth  
> Kirumi- mom  
> Kaede- yo what's the scoop  
> Tsumugi- who is she  
> Shuichi- sherlock gnomes  
> Kokichi- sup fuckers  
> Kiibo- do robots have dicks  
> Gonta- bug boi  
> Rantaro- utter perfection


	6. himiko no

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> himiko no

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> himiko no

**sneaky mage:**  I think I just accidentally joined a cult

**totally into incest:**  I've done that before

**just a hoe:**  I was raised in a kinda cult

**utter perfection:**  I'm pretty sure I'm like co-leader of a cult

**sherlock gnomes:**  am I the only one who's concerned by this

**gay:**  no I am too

**gay:**  but it's almost definitely just us

**buzz lightyear:**  just cause the rest of us are cool and already went through our cult phases

**gay:**  do you wanna fuckin fight me

**buzz lightyear:**  no, you'll win

**gay:**  exactly

**sherlock gnomes:**  anyway 

**sherlock gnomes:**  how did you join a cult

**sneaky mage:**  I was just chillin, talking to some upperclassmen

**sneaky mage:**  and then they invited me to this thing in the middle of the woods and asked me to bring any magic stuff I have

**utter perfection:**  are you going??? 

**sneaky mage:**  duh, one of them has cute hamsters

**sherlock gnomes:**  oh is it that guy with the big scarf

**sneaky mage:**  ya, and the princess

**sherlock gnomes:**  I can safely say they probably won't sacrifice you or something

**sneaky mage:**  probably????

**sherlock gnomes:**  no promises

**gay:**  wait is two people even a cult

**sneaky mage:**  technically even one person can form a cult

**gay:**  can't argue with that

**sup fuckers:**  your gay ass can't argue with anything she says

**gay:**  yes I can >:(

**sneaky mage:**  the earth is flat

**gay:**  can't argue with that

**sneaky mage:**  *deep sigh*

**who is she:**  wait so you're allowed to do the asterisks things but I can't do >:3c

**who is she:**  this is unfair

**sneaky mage:**  shhhhh

**sneaky mage:**  so yeah, if I die tonight then it's gundham and sonia you should be suspecting

**sherlock gnomes:**  y'know, I feel like Gundham's more likely to kill that muscly guy in his class

**sherlock gnomes:**  neko- something

**gay:**  nekomaru

**sherlock gnomes:**  yeah

**sherlock gnomes:**  why do you know that tho??

**gay:**  he's not a very degenerate male. I have trained with him a couple times

**gay:**  along with akane and peko

**gay:**  the upperclassmen are usually pretty nice

**gay:**  I also train with sakura in the year above us

**buzz lightyear:**  yet you won't train with me for a second

**gay:**  shhhhh

**fuck off kokichi:**  she trains with me

**buzz lightyear:**  of course her gay ass does

**gay:**  wait where's Himiko

 

_**sup fuckers sent a photo** _

__

**gay:**  why do you have Himiko

**sneaky mage:**  his mattress is just like

**sneaky mage:**  so fucking comfy

**sneaky mage:**  like, you don't even know

**sup fuckers:**  i literally woke up with her in my bed, i dont know how long she's been here

**sneaky mage:**  i got here at like 4am

**sup fuckers:**  why

**sup fuckers:**  the mattress is a good reason to stay but why did you come here in the first place

**sneaky mage:**  well i tried shuuichi first but his bed isn't comfy

**sherlock gnomes:**  you what

**sneaky mage:**  so I went to Angie but her room's stiflingly hot

**just a hoe:**  so that's why things felt out of place

**sneaky mage:**  then I was gonna try Maki but I thought she might accidentally kill me if I woke her up so I decided to not

**fuck off kokichi:**  wise decision.

**sneaky mage:**  then I went to mom but she wasn't there???? So I left

**sneaky mage:**  and while Rantaro's room is great, I know he had Kiibo over last night and I didn't wanna intrude

**do robots have dicks:**  thank you for your consideration

**sherlock gnomes:**  what happened to you and kokichi??

**utter perfection:**  he stole my donut, he's been banished for a week

**sneaky mage:**  so then I checked Kaito's room but he seemed a little busy

**gay:**  what

**buzz lightyear:**  what

**buzz lightyear:**  what did you see

**buzz lightyear:**  fucking answer

**sneaky mage:**  I was busy

**sup fuckers:**  she was busy sTEALING MY FUCKING COOKIES

**sneaky mage:**  fuck yeah I was

**sneaky mage:**  and you were cuddling shuuichi

**sneaky mage:**  not sure how shuuichi and I didn't pass each other at some point since I was in his room like five minutes before it, but whatever

**sneaky mage:**  so I just kinda gave up on having standards and went to kokichi

**sup fuckers:**  I feel so attacked

**sneaky mage:**  at least you were good enough to make me stay

**gay:**  I wasn't even considered?

**sneaky mage:**  not even for a second

**sneaky mage:**  didn't even cross my mind actually

**gay:**  :(

**sup fuckers:**  so whens your cult meeting

**sneaky mage:**  we're meeting at 11:40

**gay:**  as in..... 20 minutes before midnight?

**sneaky mage:**  ya

**sherlock gnomes:**  no offense but that sounds so dodgy

**sneaky mage:**  ik

**sneaky mage:**  the guy that looks like an urchin and the author in the year above us are coming too

**fuck off kokichi:**  I trust Touko

**buzz lightyear:**  I trust Yasuhiro

**totally into incest:**  I also trust Yasuhiro

**gay:**  well if Maki trusts Touko then you're probably safe with her

**buzz lightyear:**  ignored once again

**totally into incest:**  can I accompany you, Himiko?

**sneaky mage:**  do you promise to not mention your sister at all ever to anyone

**totally into incest:**  fine

**sneaky mage:**  okay meet me outside the dorms with anything magic related you own at 11:30

**gay:**  can I come

**sneaky mage:**  no

**gay:**  T-T

**do robots have dicks:**  that's my thing, and also, you're doing it wrong, it's T_T

**gay:**  well shit kiibo, we're not all perfect

**utter perfection:**  I am

**gay:**  I said not all of us, your perfect ass can fuck off

**sup fuckers:**  even tenko, our resident lesbian™ agrees that kiibaby and rantaro are perfect

 

_**utter perfection set do robots have dicks's nickname to the most perfect boi** _

__

**the most perfect boi:** :D

**utter perfection:**  :D

**sup fuckers:**  :D

**totally into incest:**  Himiko, it's 11:29

**sneaky mage:**  fuck I'm not dressed

**gay:**  WHAT

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> himiko no


	7. what

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I don't know I don't know I don't know why did this take so long, it and I are a mess

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I get a worrying amount of inspiration for this shit from the Danganronpa V3 Nerds server  
> Are y'all okay?

**just**   **a hoe:**  himiko

**just a hoe:**  is that you under my bed

**sneaky mage:**  no???

**sneaky mage:**  tenko cornered me the second I got back to the dorms, bundled me in like six blankets, put me in her bed then promptly fell asleep beside me

**just a hoe:**  then who tf

**kinky bicth:**  sorry bby

**just a hoe:**  oh, it's just you bby

**kinky bicth:**  ya bby

**just a hoe:**  y u down there bby

**kinky bicth:**  idk bby

**just a hoe:**  come up here bby

**kinky bicth:**  okie bby

**just a hoe:**  ily bby

**kinky bicth:**  ily2 bby

**sneaky mage:**  can y'all stop coming for Tenko's brand

**just a hoe:**  no bby

 

~the following morning~

 

**utter perfection:**  himiko was there any alcohol at your cult meeting

**sneaky mage:**  no???

**sneaky mage:** why am I getting asked such weird questions

**utter perfection:**  cause Kiyo just burst in and started crying and he says it's because I'm "too pretty" and he smells of beer so

**sneaky mage:**  I don't like alcohol

**sneaky mage:**  it messes with my magic

**sneaky mage:**  if there was alcohol involved, I woulda left

**utter perfection:**  1, then where did he get it

**utter perfection:**  2, can someone find him, he ran away and I'm not wearing enough clothes for this

**sneaky mage:** isn't kiibo still staying with you

**utter perfection:**  stop judging me, you weren't dressed when you were with Kokichi >:(

**sup fuckers:**  she was mainly dressed

**sup fuckers:**  she was dressed enough that I couldn't tease her

**utter perfection:**  don't rob me of my ammunition, donut theif

**sup fuckers:**  its thief

**utter perfection:** theif

**sup fuckers:**  i before e except after c

**utter perfection:**  thceif

**sup fuckers:**  I'm officially replacing you with Himiko

**sneaky mage:**  does this mean I can invade your bed whenever I want

**sup fuckers:** ye

**sup fuckers:**  but it also means I'll break into your room to prank you, steal shit, or cuddle you at random times and you'll never know which till it's too late

**sneaky mage:**  I can live with that

**gay:**  it Tenko did that you'd tell

**sneaky mage:**  look, when I became friends with you, you didn't warn me of the gay baggage™ I'd be receiving in addition

**sneaky mage:**  Kokichi has told me the terms and conditions

**gay:**  we're friends? :D

**sneaky mage:**  for now

 

~later~

 

**sup fuckers:**  Himiko I want cuddles are you still with Tenko

**sneaky mage:**  yeh gimme a minute

**gay:**  Himiko I left for less than a minute and you're gone and so are all my blankets

**sneaky mage:**  ik

**sneaky mage:**  I couldn't be bothered removing them

**sup fuckers:**  fdyosiysitgigidyduvohb she just rolled in with all the blankets

**sneaky mage:**  actually I lost one along the way

**sneaky mage:**  stop humming the Titanic theme and lying seductively on my bed you loser

**sup fuckers:**  you think I'm seductive?

**sneaky mage:**  I think you're gonna shut up right about now if you still want those cuddles

**sup fuckers:**  nishishi

**totally into incest:**  is eating grass dangerous

**sneaky mage:**  not unless you eat a lot, why

**totally into incest:** what about sand

**sherlock gnomes:**  what

**totally into incest:**  I asked if it was dangerous to easy sand, either answer me or fuck off

**sherlock gnomes:**  I don't fucking know

**most perfect boi:**  depends, store bought or public

**totally into incest:**  public?

**most perfect boi:**  possible food poisoning or infection from fecal contamination, possible issues with defecating but otherwise you should be fine

**totally into incest:**  thank God

**totally into incest:**  all I remember doing today is calling at least four people beautiful, crying a lot and eating grass and sand

**sup fuckers:**  mood but like are you okay

**totally into incest:**  not really but it could've been worse

**sup fuckers:**  my life

**buzz lightyear:**  I'm questioning the okayness of all of you

**sherlock gnomes:**  there were two people in that interaction

**buzz lightyear:**  shhhh

**buzz lightyear:**  and I'm always questioning your okayness anyway

**kinky bicth:**  I just woke up and angie bought me mcdonalds Im so blessed

**buzz lightyear:**  it's 10pm

**kinky bicth:**  yeah?

**buzz lightyear:**  are you okay

**kinky bicth:**  it be like this sometimes

**buzz lightyear:**  so no?

**kinky bicth:**  angie just turned on minecraft, bye

**buzz lightyear:**  *sigh*

**sneaky mage:**  minecraft? Bye Kokichi

**sup fuckers:**  she fucking sprinted wtf

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will be better, I promise  
> Also I'm talking part in the sanders sides big bang so I might not upload this as much as I have been


	8. I don't have wifi I wrote this in like half an hour while sitting at the clubhouse for this caravan park because I didn't want to miss April Fool's Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> April Fool's shenanigans

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's probably a lot of mistakes in this, sorry there's been such a wait for an update

 

**sup fuckers:**  alright, what shit happened now

**totally into incest:**  what the actual fuck was that Rantaro

**utter perfection:**  ..........nothing

**totally into incest:**  tell me what the fuck I just heard

**utter perfection:**  definitely not your laugh to the mii channel music

**sup fuckers:**  OH MY GOD WHAT

**totally into incest:**  I'm going to fucking fight you Rantaro

**utter perfection:**  please no

**sherlock gnomes:**  wait how did he hear this?

**utter perfection:**  he stayed over since he was so fucked up last night and I didn't want him getting hurt

**utter perfection:**  then Kokichi messaged the group chat and my phone went off

**sherlock gnomes:**  gay

**totally into incest:**  yeah

**utter perfection:** yeah

**the most perfect boi:**  yeah

**buzz lightyear:**  why did kiibo get involved

**the most perfect boi:**  I was also in Rantaro's room last night so I'm a witness

**buzz lightyear:**  makes sense

**sneaky mage:**  y'all are gay as fuck, you know that?

**utter perfection:**  well DUH

**bug boi:**  Gonta is glad friends are happy :D

**utter perfection:**  Gonta honey no that's not what we mean by gay

**bug boi:**  gonta not understand

**utter perfection:**  mom you gotta teach your favourite child

**mom:**  How dare you accuse me of having favourites.

**utter perfection:**  hypothetically

**utter perfection:**  if we were all drowning, who would you save first

**mom:**  Tenko

**mom:**  because Tenko can't swim

**mom:**  I'm assuming Kiibo would be dead already because he would sink

**mom:**  but if there was time to save him, then he would be first

**utter perfection:**  oh

**mom:**  Your point falls apart when you use a situation where Gonta would be able to save himself

 

_~Several weeks later~_

**sup fuckers:**  tfw mom roasts rantaro so hard that it kills my group chat :(

**sherlock gnomes:**  good honestly

**sherlock gnomes:** this thing scares me

**sup fuckers:**  but saihawa-chaaaaaa 

**sherlock gnomes:**  wh

**sherlock gnomes:** why is there a w

**sherlock gnomes:**  there's no w in my name

**sup fuckers:**  yes thewe is saihawa chaaaan!

**buzz lightyear:**  what in the ever loving fuck is he doing

 

_**sup fuckers changed their nickname to h-hewwo?** _

__

**sneaky mage:**  HAVEN'T YOU DONE ENOUGH TODAY KOKICHI?!

**sneaky mage:**  if anyone needs me, I'm staying with Rantaro for the foreseeable future

**utter perfection:**  i like how you didn't even ask first

**sherlock gnomes:**  dare I ask why?

**sneaky mage:**  because Kokichi frickin gLITTER BOMBED MY BED

 

**_sneaky mage sent a photo_ **

__

**sherlock gnomes:** i was more expecting a picture of the damage, not a meme

**sneaky mage:**  I spent time on that okay

**utter perfection:**  the "friendship ended" meme is so old, I'm disappointed in you

**sneaky mage:**  don't make me go to Tenko instead of you

**sneaky mage:** cause I really don't want to

**h-hewwo?:**  you can stay in my woom himiko uwu 

**sneaky mage:**  I'd rather die thanks

**fuck off kokichi:**  what the actual fuck

**fuck off kokichi:**  I'd ask which of you immature bastards did this, but based on the conversation currently happening, I can already tell it was Kokichi.

**h-hewwo?:**  fuck i thought none of them would hit maki

**h-hewwo?:**  I HAD SO MUCH LEFT TO DO

**h-hewwo?:**  but now

**h-hewwo?:**  i will pewish

**buzz lightyear:**  her door just fucking slammed shut, you better run

**h-hewwo?:**  nah, she'll never find me

**most perfect boi:**  Are you sure? Because I'm pretty sure she's only a few metres away from you.

**h-hewwo?:**  DON'T TELL HER THAT

**kinky bicth:**  that's not even funny kokichi it's just a mood

**sherlock gnomes:**  I don't even know if I want to ask what he did

**kinky bicth:**  drew dicks on my stuff

**kinky bicth:**  I feel like he just ran out of ideas

**totally into incest:**  oh

**totally into incest:**  actually that was me

**totally into incest:**  I did it like two weeks ago when you were pissing me off, I forgot about it

**kinky bicth:**  oh

**kinky bicth:**  WAIT WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO??

**totally into incest:**  I don't remember

**totally into incest:**  is it just me or do the curtains in the classroom look different?

**mom:**  They shouldn't. They aren't meant to be changed again till summer.

**totally into incest:**  I mean, it might just be me

**just a hoe:**  uhhhh yeah they're definitely different

**just a hoe:**  Kirumi you might wanna take a look

**just a hoe:**  and keep in mind that neither of us did this

**mom:**  .......

**mom:**  Kiibo, sweetie, tell Mom where Kokichi's hiding.

**most perfect boi:**  but he'll be upset D:

**mom:**  I'm gonna count to three.

**mom:**  One.

**most perfect boi:**  HE'S UNDER MY BED

**h-hewwo?:**  ive been betwayed

**who is she:**  kaede not you too D:

**yo what's the scoop:**  at least I was funny

**who is she:**  yeah, true

**gay:**  ?????

**sneaky mage:**  y'all need to stop bringing your own little conversations in and just learn to talk with all of us

**who is she:**  no thanks

**yo what's the scoop:**  I texted her saying I was pregerantette btw

**sherlock gnomes** : how do I unread something

**3'5:**  I can't think of a way to say this that I won't get made fun of for

**3'5:**  I'm stuck in a box

**utter perfection:**  you're WHAT

**3'5:**  YOU FUCKING KNOW WHAT I SAID RANTARO, IS SOMEONE GONNA HELP ME OR NOT

**sherlock gnomes:**  well we kinda need to know where you are first

**3'5:**  .... I don't know

**totally into incest:**  I'm really trying my best to not laugh at you

**3'5:**  LOOK, I DIDN'T DECIDE TO WAKE UP IN HERE

**sherlock gnomes:**  turn your phone volume up, I'm gonna call you

**3'5:**  k

**buzz lightyear:**  did Kokichi do this?

**sneaky mage:**  probably

**gay:**  I don't like April Fool's Day

**kinky bicth:**  literally no one that knows Kokichi likes April Fool's Day

**gay:**  tru

**sneaky mage:**  hey Tenko you look nice today

**gay:**  :D

**sneaky mage:**  April fool's

**gay:**  oh-

**just a hoe:**  HARSH

**sneaky mage:**  you look nice every day :D

**gay:**  !!!

**totally into incest:**  that's the gayest thing I've ever seen

**utter perfection:**  no it's not

**utter perfection:**  because you've met me :)

**buzz lightyear:**  shut up you narcissistic avocado

**sneaky mage:**  that's how you do a GOOD April fool's prank

**sneaky mage:**  take notes cockichi

**3'5:**  shuuichi got me out of the box, if anyone cares


	9. honestly, I don't know what this is

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ???

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Probably riddled with mistakes

_**h-hewwo? changed their nickname to ow** _

__

**ow:**  ill admit, some of my pranks went a bit far yesterday

**ow:**  but i still don't think i deserved to get beaten up that badly

**3'5:**  you put me in a box

**3'5:**  a literal box

**3'5:**  it was fucking locked

**ow:**  i made sure you were easy to find!

**ow:**  the original plan was to put you somewhere no one would find you and eventually let you out myself

**ow:**  but i was interrupted

**sneaky mage:**  so you WERE up to something when I was yelling at you

**ow:**  lil bit

**buzz lightyear:**  okay so I know that we all hate Kokichi and that what he did was wrong

**buzz lightyear:**  but I'm kinda on his side here

**fuck off kokichi:**  literally why

**buzz lightyear:**  cause you kinda did go too far beating him up

**sherlock gnomes:**  he cried for three hours

**sherlock gnomes:**  and I don't even think it was fake crying

**buzz lightyear:**  his back is mainly the same colour as his hair

**sherlock gnomes:**  even after he stopped crying, it took another two hours for him to stop shaking

**fuck off kokichi:**  good???

**buzz lightyear:**  no, not fucking good

**buzz lightyear:**  you can't just deal with him through violence

**buzz lightyear:**  he'll never learn if you just attack him for everything

**ow:**  can yall stop ruining my rep 

**ow:**  and dw kaito im fine

**ow:**  maki wont listen anyways

**buzz lightyear:**  >:(

**buzz lightyear:**  lemme protecc >:(

**3'5:**  maybe next time "protecc" him when he's actually in immediate danger??

**fuck off kokichi:**  he's always in immediate danger.

**sneak mage:**  cock boi

**ow:**  yes?

**sneaky mage:**  rantarou keeps rolling directly on top of me and I'm not in the mood for it, are you in your room or did you invade someone else's

**ow:**  in momos room

**sneaky mage:**  oki

**sneaky mage:**  did you even notice my prank on you yesterday

**ow:**  you pranked me????

**sneaky mage:**  yeah lmao I took all your panta

**sneaky mage:**  I'll bring it with me now

**ow:**  wow that wouldve been such a funny prank if id noticed it but nooo i spent the day crying into momo and chichis chests because someone cant take a joke

**buzz lightyear:**  I know you're trying to throw shade at Harumaki but why the fuck are you calling me and Shuuichi "Momo and Chichi" 

**ow:**  because i want to

**sherlock gnomes:**  can't argue with that

**buzz lightyear:**  can't argue with that

**fuck off kokichi:**  I can argue with that

**buzz lightyear:**  not anymore

**3'5:**  savage

 

_~Multiple minutes later~_

**3'5:**  I literally only said that so Maki would kill me and she hasn't even threatened me, Maki pls

**yo what's the scoop:**  I was going to invite her to a movie night with me and Tsumugi so I went to her room and she's just not there???

**buzz lightyear:**  what??? Harumaki, stop it, you're acting like a kid

**totally into incest:**  I just heard Kirumi's door slam in a very Maki-esque way

**mom:**  Yes, I have her. She's quite upset and decided I was best for comfort since I shared her anger and Kokichi yesterday.

**ow:**  i still cant believe mom let maki beat me up because i put up some floral curtains 

**totally into incest:**  I'm not sure if you're joking or if you really didn't notice

**ow:**  didnt notice what??? i got glitter on the curtains so I put up spare ones???

**totally into incest:**  Kokichi those curtains were covered in dicks

**ow:**  t h e y  w e r e  w h a t

**just a hoe:**  literally covered in dicks

**totally into incest:**  there were no flowers

**just a hoe:**  only dicks

**ow:**  o h  m y  g o d

**mom:**  It appears I have made an error in judgement. However, you did still upset and inconvenience many of your classmates.

**ow:**  i tricked himiko into needing to stay with other people for like a week, i put ryouma in a box for like half an hour, i accidentally put up dick curtains and maki hasnt even said what prank hit her

**ow:**  but sure, i deserve to be almost unable to move

**fuck off kokichi:**  yes, exactly.

**buzz lightyear:**  do you genuinely not see why that's not okay

**fuck off kokichi:**  what part of this isn't okay? I had a reason for beating Kokichi up, that's a good thing. Kokichi's in pain, that's also a good thing.

**sherlock gnomes:**  I can't say "no" emphatically enough

**utter perfection:**  UMMMM WHAT'S THIS ABOUT SOMEONE HURTING MY BOI? 

**the most perfect boi:**  You've done it now

**utter perfection:**  I WILL FIGHT YOU MAKI HARUKAWA

**fuck off kokichi:**  you'll lose.

**utter perfection:**  TRY ME BITCH

**gay:**  I don't even know who's side I'm on

**just a hoe:**  Tenko???? Considering being on a male's side for once???? Holy shit

**gay:**  SHUUICHI AND RANTARO ARE THE OKAYEST MALES WE HAVE 

**sherlock gnomes:**  I love Tenko's almost compliments

**gay:**  THEY'D BE BETTER IF THEY GOT A SEX CHANGE

**utter perfection:**  there it is

**gay:**  BUT THEY'RE OKAY THE WAY THEY ARE

**sherlock gnomes:**  I feel so appreciated

**utter perfection:**  we love you too Tenko 

**utter perfection:**  NOW BE ON OUR SIDE, KOKICHI DID NOT DESERVE THAT

**gay:**  can I be half on your side

**gay:**  cause he did deserve a little bit of it

**gay:**  but she did kinda go too far

**sneaky mage:**  who the fuck is this and what did she do with Tenko

**gay:**  I love you Himiko

**sneaky mage:**  never mind, that's her

**sneaky mage:**  this is totally random but does anyone else just constantly forget that Gonta is in this chat

**ow:**  its my chat and i still forget that

**sherlock gnomes:**  kinda hard to remember when he's never here

**kinky bicth:**  he keeps refusing my offer of a reinforced phone that he won't be able to crush by holding it too hard

**the most perfect boi:**  please don't take that as an invitation to do what you did with me

**ow:**  what did she do to you???

**the most perfect boi:**  I said I didn't want her to install a dick, so she gave me a gun

**the most perfect boi:**  where I would've had a dick

**the most perfect boi:**  A LITERAL GUN

**the most perfect boi:** FOR A DICK

**ow:** HA

**kinky bicth:**  WHAT ELSE WAS I MEANT TO DO

**kinky bicth:**  made you accept the dick offer anyway

**ow:**  ooohh so robots DO have dicks ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

**buzz lightyear:**  ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

**sherlock gnomes:**  ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

**utter perfection:**  ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

**totally into incest:**  ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

**sneaky mage:**  alright that's enough dick talk thanks

**ow:**  just cause you're a lesbian >:(


	10. Unintentional Kork Angst

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Miyadora shows up and nothing is okay also some other stuff happens

**gay:**  WAIT

**ow:**  oh god what now

**gay:**  is Himiko like

**gay:**  actually gay

**gay:**  fully confirmed

**gay:**  a gay™

**ow:**  yes????

**gay:**  WHY DID YOU KNOW AND NOT ME???

**ow:**  because you do stuff like scream about it and I literally just said "cool but that's not a reason to be on top of my wardrobe" and moved on with my life

**just a hoe:**  what in the genuine fuck did I just witness, did anyone else see that

**totally into incest:**  I don't know if we saw the same thing but I just saw Ryouma fall from a fucking telephone pole

**just a hoe:**  that was fucking insane omfg

**just a hoe:**  but like

**just a hoe:**  we should probably see if he's okay

**totally into incest:**  yeah that would probably be a good thing to do

**sneaky mage:**  at least someone's having fun

**sneaky mage:**  some of us are stuck with the most insufferable person in the world

**buzz lightyear:**  .......tenko....?

**sneaky mage:**  kokichi

**fuck off kokichi:**  at least someone finally agrees with me

**sneaky mage:**  he glitter bombed my fucking bed Maki

**sneaky mage:**  which is STILL not an excuse to beat him up btw

**sneaky mage:**  and now Rantaro's away again and he locked his door and Kokichi refuses to pick the lock for me so I'm stuck with him

**sherlock gnomes:**  couldn't you stay with Tenko or literally anyone else

**sneaky mage:**  well I'm already here, so

**ow:**  "here" is directly on top of me if anyone (tenko)s wondering

**gay:**  but himiko

**gay:**  I could carry you to my room!

**sneaky mage:** ALREADY HERE MIGHT AS WELL STAY

**3'5:**  DOES LITERALLY NO ONE CARE THAT I FELL FROM A TELEPHONE POLE

**mom:**  Evidently not.

**3'5:**  that's cold, Kirumi. That's real cold.

**mom:**  I have no clue what you're talking about :)

**3'5:**  why do none of you care when things happen to me???? Mom is roasting me and Kokichi hasn't even made a joke?

**mom:**  Oh, this isn't roasting you, Ryouma. I could do far worse if I tried. I could leave you swimming with the fishes.

**3'5:**  ?????

**3'5:**  guess I'll die

**sherlock gnomes:**  ryouma no

**3'5:**  :)

**sneaky mage:**  I'm so confused

**gay:**  I am equally as confused but also happy

**sneaky mage:**  I'm in your bed, of course you're happy

**sneaky mage:**  but like, confirm for me

**sneaky mage:**  that WAS Maki right

**gay:**  oh yeah, definitely

**gay:**  I'd know those lovely ponytails anywhere

**sherlock gnomes:**  I hate to have to ask

**sherlock gnomes:**  but cOULD YOU NOT BE HAVING THIS CONVERSATION OUT LOUD

**sneaky mage:**  I'm gonna deviate from our established pattern to point out that if we have this conversation out loud then no one else knows what's happening and that's just boring

**sneaky mage:**  now back to our regularly scheduled memes

**gay:**  okay so Maki is probably like

**gay:**  alone

**gay:**  with Kokichi

**gay:**  is that safe

**buzz lightyear:**  absolutely not

**sneaky mage:**  I'm even more concerned because he's not talking

**sherlock gnomes** : oh shit u right that is pretty concerning

**buzz lightyear:**  is he dead???

**sneaky mage:**  Rantaro and Kiibo will not be happy if they come back to a dead Kokichi

**gay:**  who would be honestly, I know we all joke but like none of us actually want him dead

**buzz lightyear:**  I'm gonna go check cause Maki will probably not attack me if I try to remove him

**sherlock gnomes:**  wait a sec I'll join you

**buzz lightyear:**  nice I did not want to face her alone

 

_~Many minutes later~_

**sneaky mage:**  are they dead too??? Guys to

**buzz lightyear:**  sorry we're just utterly incapable of computing what we saw

**sherlock gnomes:**  remember a few weeks ago when we saw Kiibo literally buffer

**sherlock gnomes:**  that's how I feel

**sneaky mage:**  you can't just say that and not elaborate, what did you see

**sneaky mage:**  is my gay best friend okay or not

**buzz lightyear:**  they were having a civil conversation

**sherlock gnomes:**  Kokichi was using his serious talk voice

**sneaky mage:**  as in his "actually not lying for once" voice???

**sherlock gnomes:**  yes

**buzz lightyear:**  they were actually just talking through their issues

**sherlock gnomes:**  Kokichi wasn't being a little shit

**buzz lightyear:**  Maki was being polite

**sherlock gnomes:**  I mean, this is a good thing, obviously

**sherlock gnomes:**  but it's just kinda shocking that they did this of their own accord and didn't need to be forced to make up

**sneaky mage:**  holy crap

**sneaky mage:**  i hope this means no more fighting

**sneaky mage:** cause I was getting a little sick of all that

**ow:**  why is shuuichi so absolutely hell bent on destroying my reputation

**ow:**  and yeah lmao were chill now

**buzz lightyear:**  where's Maki?? I know she hasn't left your room, we're sitting outside

**ow:**  she fell asleep

**ow:**  and you know how nice i am and how i hate turning people away

**sherlock gnomes:**  you mean how you hate sleeping alone and crave physical contact with others?

 

_**ow changed sherlock gnomes's name to shitlock** _

__

**ow:**  shut

**ow:**  UP

**kinky bicth:**  kokichi do you have my whip

**ow:**  yeh

**kinky bicth:**  give it back I need it

**kinky bicth:**  asap

**shitlock:**  I am so fucking concerned

**ow:**  nothing to see here mr innocent face

**shitlock:**  what

**ow:**  its late, stop judging me

**ow:**  and youll have to come get it cause makis on me

**buzz lightyear:**  she's what

**ow:**  can none of you people read

**sneaky mage:**  what up I'm Jared I'm nineteen

**just a hoe:**  and I never fucking learned how to read

**ow:**  and I never fucking learned how to read

**ow:**  actually get the fuck away from me

**just a hoe:**  I'm better than you, face it

**kinky bicth:**  I concurr

**ow:**  we get it youre smart and know big girl words

**ow:**  do you want your whip or not 

**kinky bicth:**  ..... Yeah I'll be there in a couple mins

**sneaky mage:**  hey anyone seen Kiyo

**gay:**  we have no ulterior motive in asking where our friend is, just wanna hang out with him :)

**shitlock:**  ???? What the fuck?????

**buzz lightyear:**  no, i haven't seen him all day???

**just a hoe:**  I was with him like 20 minutes ago but he just kinda vanished lmao

**ow:**  ive certainly not got him

**sneaky mage:**  thank god, she's gone

**sneaky mage:**  miyadora showed up, she was legit looking over our shoulders while we asked

**gay:**  honestly a little bit concerned for Kiyo??? She seemed quite angry

**sneaky mage:**  she seems really aggressive and she was really mad when we didn't know where he was

**sneaky mage:**  if anyone actually knows where he is, hide him

**kinky bicth:**  I've got him

**kinky bicth:**  good thing I was getting my whip when that conversation happened or else I might've actually said where he was

**kinky bicth:**  I don't like his sister

**buzz lightyear:**  we all know they've fucked but tbh it's not sounding like he had a choice?? Just based on what everyone's saying

**sneaky mage:**  she seems high-key controlling af so like

**kinky bicth:**  okay so

**kinky bicth:**  do I tell him miyadora was here or????

**gay:**  he can just backread anyway, no point hiding it

**shitlock:**  I just heard a door slam but Maki's asleep what's going on

**ow:**  she woke up when miyadora barged in demanding to know where kork is

**ow:**  maki beat her ass and kicked her out

**buzz lightyear:**  harumaki you can't just beat people

**ow:**  nah it's valid this time

**fuck off kokichi:**  she threw kokichi into a wall

**buzz lightyear:**  I stand corrected

**totally into incest:**  oh

**totally into incest:**  I'm sorry she bothered you all. I wasn't aware she was coming. I would've been waiting for her if I'd known.

**buzz lightyear:**  you okay dude?

**totally into incest:**  I'm fine.

**kinky bicth:**  no he's not, he's crying like a baby

**kinky bicth:**  Angie get in here

**just a hoe:**  omw

**shitlock:**  I wasn't invited but I'm coming

**totally into incest:**  I'm not crying, it's fine, don't bother yourselves

**just a hoe:**  even if you weren't crying, I'd still be coming

**shitlock:**  ^^^

**shitlock:**  you need a good gay hug

**totally into incest:**  .... Thank you guys

**just a hoe:**  <3

 

_**ow changed totally into incest's nickname to gay noodle** _

__

**_sneaky mage changed gay noodle's nickname to bi noodle_ **

__

**sneaky mage:**  let's keep it accurate here

**ow:**  valid

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For clarification purposes, I'm saying Miyadora is abusive and manipulated Kiyo into a relationship with her and that he'd recently begun noticing that it was not good™ but didn't know how to help himself so he just suffered in silence and let everyone make jokes about it  
> Also I have no idea how to write Maki and Kokichi being civil with each other  
> ALSO I find it hilarious that I got comments saying Maki and Kiibo were ooc (which they were) but haven't received any saying anything about Kokichi  
> ALSO ALSO if it feels like I'm stereotyping a character a lot it's mainly cause I need them for that purpose for whatever reason (in Maki's case it was that whole plot arc of her and Kokichi making up)


	11. Uhhh McDonald's

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kokichi acts weird then everyone gets McDonald's

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (this is more for my own reference than for y'all)  
> Kaede- yo what's the scoop  
> Rantarou- utter perfection  
> Ryouma- 3'5  
> Kirumi- mom  
> Angie- just a hoe  
> Tenko- gay  
> Korekiyo- bi noodle  
> Miu- kinky bicth  
> Gonta- bug boi  
> Kokichi- ow  
> Kaito- buzz lightyear  
> Shuuichi- shitlock  
> Maki- knife  
> Himiko- sneaky mage  
> Kiibo- the most perfect boi  
> Tsumugi- who is she
> 
> Honestly, I might have forgotten about name changes at some point?? Tell me if I'm fucking up anywhere

**u** **tter perfection:**  where

**utter perfection:**  the

**utter perfection:**  fuck

**utter perfection:**  is

**utter perfection:**  my

**utter perfection:**  noodle

**kinky bicth:**  about 3 ppl deep in my bed

**just a hoe:**  Shuuichi and Miu are sprawled on top of him and I'm on them

**utter perfection:**  not for long

**shitlock:**  that's so fucking ominous

**kinky bicth:**  okay now he's 4 ppl and a robot deep

**the most perfect boi:**  T_T 

**kinky bicth:**  shut

**utter perfection:**  wait so who's got my smol

**buzz lightyear:**  he was somewhere in here the last time I checked

**buzz lightyear:**  can't see him now tho???

**sneaky mage:**  he came in a couple hours ago and said he would be busy all day??? Idk I was half asleep I couldn't argue

**shitlock:**  do you think he's okay???

**sneaky mage:**  I mean

**sneaky mage:**  probably

**sneaky mage:**  he can usually take care of himself

**utter perfection:**  >:(

**utter perfection:**  if someone finds him, send him to me

**3'5:**  found him

**utter perfection:**  that was

**utter perfection:**  faster than expected

**3'5:**  he says he'll see you later and that he doesn't want anyone to bother him today

**3'5:**  he left really fast, idk if he's alright

**utter perfection:**  I don't wanna leave Kork, he's crying again, can someone pls go after Koki for me

**sneaky mage:**  I was about to get up anyway, I'll take a look

**gay:**  I will join her

**fuck off kokichi:**  too late, I've got him

**fuck off kokichi:**  and can someone change my nickname, it's gotten old

**buzz lightyear:**  this is such a big step

**buzz lightyear:**  does anyone have any ideas tho

 

_**mom changed fuck off kokichi's nickname to stab me daddy** _

__

**stab me daddy:**  no that's plagurism

 

_**mom changed stab me daddy's nickname to knife** _

__

**knife:**  valid

**utter perfection:**  is he okay or not

**knife:**  he's alive

**utter perfection:**  BUT IS HE OKAY

**knife:**  he doesn't want me to talk about it

**utter perfection:**  SO NO

**knife:**  he says he's okay, just trust him

**utter perfection:**  I'd trust both of you a hell of a lot more if you weren't being so cryptic

**knife:**  says mr ultimate ????????

**utter perfection:**  get your good point out of my face

**knife:**  really though, just trust him

**knife:**  I can't believe I'm saying this, but I do

**buzz lightyear:**  do you still have him

**knife:**  not for long, I'm sitting with him while he waits for the thing that's happening today

**buzz lightyear:**  tell him to just like warn us in advance next time

**knife:**  he says he did and you thought he was joking every time even when he said "I am entirely serious and not joking"

**buzz lightyear:**  he usually says that when he's joking!

**knife:**  well this time he wasn't

**buzz lightyear:**  how was I meant to know?!

**knife:**  look buddy, you were informed

**buzz lightyear:**  also does he just not have his phone??

**knife:**  he says it broke

**shitlock:**  bullshit, Kokichi is super careful with his phone, he'd never break it

**knife:**  I don't know what you want from me here

**knife:**  he's gone now, no more questions

**utter perfection:**  when is he coming back

**knife:**  I have no idea, stop asking me things

**utter perfection:**  >:(

**sneaky mage:**  well I'm awake and up now, so I'm going to McDonald's

**sneaky mage:**  is anyone except Tenko coming and does anyone want stuff brought back

**bi noodle:**  can everyone get off me I want McDonald's

**utter perfection:**  guess we're all going then

**bi noodle:**  actually I'd kinda rather you didn't

**bi noodle:**  I appreciate the concern, but it's just a bit... Overwhelming

**utter perfection:**  oh

**utter perfection:**  okay, love you

**kinky bicth:**  hmu if you need any platonic bondage

**the most perfect boi:**  I'm not great for physical comfort, but if you'd like to talk I'm almost always available

**just a hoe:**  I'm going to make you some wonderful art to express my care

**shitlock:**  I'm always here for you buddy

**sneaky mage:**  that's cute and all but do any of you want McDonald's brought back

**shitlock:**  what kind of dumbass question

**sneaky mage:**  CAN Y'ALL JUST GIVE ME YOUR DAMN MC'D ORDERS AND TELL ME IF YOU'RE COMING OR NOT

**3'5:**  I'll come if Kork doesn't mind another person

**bi noodle:**  I don't

**knife:**  I'll come along too, I need something to do

**sneaky mage:**  alright

**sneaky mage:**  now, what do the rest of you want brought back

**just a hoe:**  bring me the most obnoxious McFlurry they have. If the McFlurry machine's broke, get me a strawberry milkshake

**kinky bicth:**  y'know those 20 piece nugget meals intended for multiple people

**kinky bicth:**  get me a large

**buzz lightyear:**  I hate to say same, but get me the same

**shitlock:**  I'll have a nine piece cause I'm a weakling

**mom:**  Kaede and Tsumugi's phones are turned off, but we'd appreciate it if we could get a large 20 piece meal with Coke.

**mom:** Tsumugi has requested I add an additional large Coke zero to that order.

**utter perfection:**  I'll take a big mac and coke. No fries though, I'm not even hungry, but it's McDonald's

**3'5:**  Gonta's still not got a phone, but I know his order

**sneaky mage:**  okay so I've got

**sneaky mage:**  3 large 20 piece meals, 1 large 9 piece meal, 1 big mac and 1 large (?) Coke, 1 obnoxious McFlurry or large (?) strawberry milkshake, 1 large Coke zero, and Gonta's order that Ryouma's taking care of

**utter perfection:**  medium coke for me

**sneaky mage:** look, I'll try, but I don't think the coke can speak to ghosts

**sneaky mage:**  and the people who are coming with us are me, Tenko, Ryouma, Maki and Kork. Have we accounted for everyone?

**gay:**  there's 1 missing if we account for Kokichi not being here

**sneaky mage:**  kiibo

**gay:**  thank you, I was so confused

**sneaky mage:**  last chance for order changes

**sneaky mage:**  we all good?

**shitlock:**  looks like it

**sneaky mage:**  sweet. Everyone who's coming meet by the door in 10 mins

 

_Like half an hour later_

**kinky bicth:**  I'm so bored

**just a hoe:**  wanna come over to my lab and have a paint fight

**kinky bicth:**  fuck yes

**mom:**  Kaede and Tsumugi wish to attend too

**just a hoe:**  the more the merrier

**kinky bicth:**  are you coming too mom?

**mom:**  You're no child of mine.

**kinky bicth:**  wow

**kinky bicth:**  are you coming too Kirumi?

**mom:**  No, but thank you for the offer.

**just a hoe:**  okie dokie. Me & Miu vs Kaede and Tsumugi?

**mom:**  They agree to these terms and say they will be there in a few minutes.

**just a hoe:**  sweet

**utter perfection:**  school feels too quiet

**yo what's the scoop:**  yeah, it does

**yo what's the scoop:**  probably cause kokichi's gone

**utter perfection:**  and like everyone else too

**yo what's the scoop:**  and that too

**utter perfection:**  wonder when the mc d's crew will return

**sneaky mage:**  never

**sneaky mage:**  we live here now

 

_**sneaky mage sent a photo** _

__

**shitlock:**  aw I'm glad you guys are having a nice time

**buzz lightyear:**  how's kork getting along?

 

_**sneaky mage sent a photo** _

__

**utter perfection:**  he looks so happy awwww

**shitlock:**  are you on his lap??

**sneaky mage:**  there's only 4 seats and Ryouma is too much of a Manly Man™ to sit on someone's lap

**sneaky mage:**  and he's more comfortable than Tenko

**shitlock:**  I can feel her anger from here

**sneaky mage:**  ya, she's offended

**sneaky mage:**  doesn't make her any more comfortable tho sooooo

**sneaky mage:**  kork is really skinny yet somehow squishy too

**utter perfection:**  y'know what Himiko?

**utter perfection:**  I think you're my favourite lesbian

**sneaky mage:**  awww

**utter perfection:**  you're so cuddly and sweet and gay

**utter perfection:**  and don't call males degenerates

**sneaky mage:**  well I do sometimes

**sneaky mage:**  I've called Kokichi a degenerate many times

**utter perfection:**  valid, but you're joking

**sneaky mage:**  but on a more serious note, don't indirect my bb

**utter perfection:**  valid

**sneaky mage:**  brb kork just laughed so hard that coke came out his nose 

**shitlock:**  oh my god

 

_Like another half hour later_

**sneaky mage:**  okay so we fucked up the order a lil bit

**sneaky mage:**  we've got one more large 20 nugget meal than we needed

**ow:**  I will gladly take those mcnuggies off your hands

**sneaky mage:**  kokichi!

**shitlock:**  kokichi!

**buzz lightyear:**  kokichi!

**utter perfection:**  kokichi!

**ow:**  me!

**ow:**  I broke into your room btw

**buzz lightyear:**  ..... Who's?

**ow:**  :)


	12. im sorry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry, this is a lot, I'd honestly recommend you don't read this if you're triggered by anything to do with suicide, self harm, or depression. I don't even know how this chapter happened.

**buzz lightyear:**  did we ever find out who's room Kokichi broke into

**sneaky mage:**  probably not mine, he was sitting outside when I got back

**bi noodle:**  it was mine

**bi noodle:**  he gave me a bottle of panta and some chocolate

**ow:**  is everyone just dedicated to ruining my reputation

**knife:**  absolutely

**knife:**  I've watched him cry because Kaito laughed and it was too pure

**ow:**  YOU SAID YOU'D KEEP THAT A SECRET

**knife:**  I lied

**ow:**  MAKI CRIED THE FIRST TIME KAITO HUGGED HER

**buzz lightyear:**  why does everyone cry over me

**shitlock:**  idk but I cried the first time I met you so

**buzz lightyear:**  I know. I remember. 

**shitlock:**  I wish you didn't.

**buzz lightyear:**  I'll never forget. It was the cutest thing I've ever seen.

**ow:**  oh so we get embarrassment and he gets compliments

**shitlock:**  cause you're ashamed of it

**shitlock:**  I embrace the fact that I'm a lil pussy

**knife:**  alright let's just agree that we will leave each other's reputations alone from now on

**ow:**  nah

**ow:**  im gonna improve urs

**ow:**  when Maki beat up Miyadora, she was extremely badass

**buzz lightyear:**  I love you two getting along

**ow:**  couldn't you have just stopped it at loving us

**buzz lightyear:**  earn it

**knife:**  I have a list of every good thing I've ever done for you

**ow:**  I do not because I don't do nice things

**bi noodle:**  I am living proof that that is a lie

**ow:**  SHUT. UP.

**sneaky mage:** yo can I borrow someone's laptop

**bi noodle:**  I don't think you want to see my laptop

**sneaky mage:**  look I have to get to a computer real fuckin quick and I broke mine yesterday can someone just help

**3'5:**  take mine

**sneaky mage:**  thank you, you precious gremlin

**3'5:**  no prob

**utter perfection:**  hey does anyone wanna go see infinity war

**sneaky mage:**  I'm busy rn and going w tenk and ang tonight anyway

**kinky bicth:**  ill come

**3'5:**  sure, I need to renew my depression anyways

**ow:**  fuck yes

**utter perfection:**  sweet

**utter perfection:**  I'll buy everyone's tickets

**sneaky mage:**  ty again ryouma

 

**Private message**

**Himiko Yumeno is messaging Rantarou Amami**

**Himiko Yumeno:**  can you tell me when you're heading back

**Rantarou Amami:**  sure, can I ask why?

**Himiko Yumeno:**  gotta talk to ryouma

**Himiko Yumeno:**  not something that should be said over messages

**Rantarou Amami:**  fair enough. I'll msg you when it's done & when we're getting close

**Himiko Yumeno:**  ty

 

_Multiple hours later_

 

**Rantarou Amami:**  hey it just ended

**Rantarou Amami:**  we're getting the bus, we'll probably be back in like 15 minutes

**Himiko Yumeno:**  thanks bud

**Rantarou Amami:**  no prob. Will msg when we're off the bus

 

_Around ten minutes later_

**Rantarou Amami:**  off bus, walking home

**Himiko Yumeno:**  nice

**Himiko Yumeno:**  is the movie good enough to see twice

**Rantarou Amami:**  absolutely

**Himiko Yumeno:**  great cause Ryouma's gonna have to

**Rantarou:**  la maow

**Himiko Yumeno:**  I can believe you actually just typed that

**Rantarou Amami:**  neither can I honestly

 

**Group Chat Active: Hell**

**ow:**  im so confused

**ow:**  tenko picked ryouma up the second we walked in and left??? she usually wouldnt touch any of us with a barge pole????

**sneaky mage:**  well I couldn't exactly carry him

**sneaky mage:**  and I doubt he would've come willingly

**shitlock:**  wait wait wait why are you kidnapping him in the first place??

**sneaky mage:**  gtg, byeeeeeeeee

**buzz lightyear:**  I am confusion

**shitlock:**  aren't we all

 

**Private message**

**Himiko Yumeno is messaging Shuuichi Saihara**

**Himiko Yumeno:**  yo I left Ryouma's laptop in my room. If u wanna know the tea, take a look at his browser history

**Shuuichi Saihara:**  that feels like an invasion of privacy

**Himiko Yumeno:**  then don't look??? Your choice man

**Shuuichi Saihara:**  I said it was an invasion of his privacy, I never said I wasn't gonna look anyway

**Himiko Yumeno:**  valid

**Shuuichi Saihara:**  am I allowed to tell anyone or is this private

**Himiko Yumeno:**  tell mom + maki

**Shuuichi Saihara:**  gotcha

 

 

**Group Chat Active: Hell**

**shitlock:**  yo, maki, I wanna show u smth

**knife:**  I don't trust you, or your strangely different typing pattern

**shitlock:**  just come to my room, ok

**knife:**  no

**shitlock:**  maki pls

**knife:**  I'm literally standing outside, knocking on the door, you massive fucking brick

**shitlock:**  oh

 

**Private Message**

**Maki Harukawa is messaging Kirumi Toujo**

**Maki Harukawa:**  Hey Mom, Ryouma's search history is concerning us, can you give him a bit of cake or something when he gets back? We're all gonna give him a bit more love from now on, he deserves it.

**Kirumi Toujo:**  What exactly is the matter with him?

**Maki Harukawa:**  He was searching for easy suicide methods, how to make people stop caring, symptoms of depression, etc. He didn't even clear it before Himiko used his laptop, it kinda feels like a cry for help.

**Kirumi Toujo:**  That is quite serious. I'll make sure to keep an eye on him. Thank you for alerting me of this, Maki. 

**Maki Harukawa:**  No problem. Don't tell anyone about it yet, only me, you, Shuuichi, Himiko, and Tenko know so far and we don't want to tell anyone else without his consent. 

**Kirumi Toujo:**  Understood. 

 

_Several hours later (like 4am)_

 

**Group Chat Active: Hell**

 

**3'5:**  hey i love you guys

**sneaky mage:**  yo I'm coming over

**3'5:**  dont

**sneaky mage:**  I'm definitely coming over now

**3'5:**  himiko please

**shitlock:**  I am also coming over

**shitlock:**  Maki, bring mom

**knife:**  I will bring mom

**3'5:**  please dont

**sneaky mage:**  this isn't a discussion

 

 

**Private Message**

**Himiko Yumeno is messaging Tenko Chabashira**

**Himiko Yumeno:**  Tenko, you know the nurse in the oldest class, right?

**Tenko Chabashira:**  yeah, I've hung out with her. Why?

**Himiko Yumeno:**  can you get her to Ryouma's room pls, I don't think Kirumi can handle this, she's crying

**Tenko Chabashira:**  shit

**Tenko Chabashira:**  I'll go as fast as I can

**Himiko Yumeno:**  thank you

 

**Group Chat Active: Hell**

 

**yo what's the scoop:**  what's going on?

**utter perfection:**  We're not allowed to tell you everything yet. We will when it's okay, promise

**yo what's the scoop:**  is Ryouma okay?

**utter perfection:**  he will be

**utter perfection:**  but leave him alone for a bit. He's got enough visitors for now

**who is she:**  wait, when did you get all the information?

**utter perfection:**  he told me about what was happening yesterday

**yo what's the scoop:**  I'm really worried

**utter perfection:**  he's gonna be fine, we've got him

**yo what's the scoop:**  if you say so...

 

_And then the group chat died for three days because no one wanted to meme at a time like this; not even Kokichi_

**3'5:**  Hi

**yo what's the scoop:**  Ryouma!

**ow:**  gremlin!!

**who is she:**  you're back, yay

**3'5:**  I didn't mean to worry everyone so much

**3'5:**  to be honest, I didn't think anyone would care much

**bi noodle:**  If there's one thing I've learned at Hope's Peak it's that everyone always cares more than you think.

**bi noodle:**  We all love each other, no matter what we might say. In times of crisis, we're there for one another. You aren't exempt from that.

**3'5:**  thanks kork

**bi noodle:**  this is bullying

**shitlock:**  but seriously, noodle man is right

**shitlock:**  we love you just as much as we love everyone else

**gay:**  they're right

**3'5:**  I love you all too

**sneaky mage:**  thank you for letting me use your laptop

**who is she:**  that seems kind irrelevant??

**sneaky mage:**  if he hadn't given me his laptop, I wouldn't have gotten curious and checked his search history. If I hadn't checked his search history, I wouldn't have been looking out for him in particular, and neither would anyone else. That laptop saved him.

**3'5:**  thank you for invading my privacy

**sneaky mage:**  any time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry again. I cried while writing this.


	13. stuff and then the panta man's birthday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maple syrup, tipsy shenanigans, then more maple syrup

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is exactly no canon evidence that anything of these characters care about maple syrup but I care about it and I'm projecting. This chapter was meant to be two chapters- one was meant to be posted a couple weeks ago- but I'm awful, so take this super long chapter instead. Also the first bit is based off an be event in the discord server again- I'm the Tenko.

 

**gay:**  so

**gay:**  this is one thing I'll accept male opinions on, mostly because I know some of you have experience with this

**gay:**  would it be a good plan to put maple syrup on my ice cream

**shitlock:**  what

**buzz lightyear:**  what

**gay:**  I know what I said

**3'5:**  I have several questions

**gay:**  answer mine and I'll consider yours

**buzz lightyear:**  first of all, why the fuck would you ever want to do that

**shitlock:**  don't taint the ice cream

**gay:**  out of sheer spite, I have gone ahead and put the maple syrup on my ice cream

**3'5:**  never thought I'd be the one to stop a conversation with Tenko

**utter perfection:**  Tenko is a god among men, how did I never think of that

**gay:**  finally, someone gets it

**utter perfection:**  usually I just chug it by the bottle

**gay:**  you're officially the best male

**sneaky mage:**  I can't believe what I'm reading

**ow:**  holy shit other people do that??? 

**bi noodle:** wow, finally a habit everyone can't judge me for

**gay:**  please tell me there at least one other girl in this group

**kinky bicth:**  FUCK YEAH THERE IS

**gay:**  not my first choice, bUT SHE IS IN FACT A FEMALE, SO I'M OKAY WITH IT

**shitlock:**  I don't think I can ever look any of you in the eyes ever again, never mind eat with you

**bi noodle:**  that's a sacrifice I'm willing to make

**gay:**  I just gained three males, I don't need you

**ow:**  holy shit tenko likes me now?

**gay:**  don't push it

**sneaky mage:**  while I'm glad my two besties are getting along, why did it have to be over maple syrup

**ow:**  did she just friendzone both of us

**gay:**  kokichi, you're gay

**ow:**  shit u rite

**gay:**  but yeah I got friendzoned

**gay:**  having a friend is sick

**ow:**  ikr

**utter perfection:**  hey Kokichi, your birthday's later this month right

**ow:**  why

**utter perfection:**  answer me or no cuddles tonight

**ow:**  yeh its on the 21st now tell me why

**utter perfection:**  :)

**ow:**  youre a demon

**utter perfection:**  with these looks, I'm more like an angel

 

**_buzz lightyear changed utter perfection's nickname to narcissistic avocado_ **

__

**buzz lightyear:**  I was gonna do it at some point

**buzz lightyear:**  today was finally the day

**narcissistic avocado:**  I've been betrayed

**buzz lightyear:**  yeah, u have

**ow:**  dw bby i still ly

**narcissistic avocado:**  at least one of my boyfriends has a brain :((((

**knife:**  this shit is too gay for me

**yo what's the scoop:**  nothing is too gay for you, you massive bisexual

**yo what's the scoop:**  ugh that would've worked so much better if I could say massive lesbian but ur not

**knife:**  ha 

**knife:**  I love ruining things with my aggressive bi-ness

**bi noodle:**  being bi is great

**buzz lightyear:**  heck yeah it is

**3'5:**  being pan is also great

**kinky bicth:** FUCK YEAH

**3'5:**  also being ace

**most perfect boi:**  and demi

**ow:**  what is it, national coming out day or smth

**narcissistic avocado:**  nah just pride month

**ow:**  shit u rite

**sneaky mage:**  how did your gay ass not know that

**ow:**  sometimes I forget my own name

**sneaky mage:**  fair enough

**ow:**  yknow what we should do

**shitlock:**  I really don't think anyone wants to know or take part

**ow:**  play a game

**shitlock:**  that is surprisingly innocent

**kinky bicth:**  can the game involve alcohol

**ow:**  what kind of shitty ass game doesn't

**sneaky mage:**  sounds good

**gay:**  Himiko no

**sneaky mage:**  I'll hug if you play

**gay:**  WHOOP, WHAT ARE WE PLAYING

**ow:**  truth or dare but with alcohol

**ow:**  every time it's not your turn, take a drink

**buzz lightyear:**  we're all in separate rooms, how do we know if someone did their dare or not

**ow:**  dares will just have to be to do with other people

**buzz lightyear:**  makes sense

**ow:**  does everyone have alcohol?

**mom:**  I can provide some.

**shitlock:**  oh my god

**yo what's the scoop:**  kokichi, what did you do to kirumi

**ow:**  shockingly nothing

**just a hoe:**  I do not believe you

**mom:**  Who needs me to bring them alcohol?

**shitlock:**  I do

**3'5:**  I do also, I gave mine away last week

**narcissistic avocado:**  I'm out

**yo what's the scoop:**  Tsumugi and I need some too

**bi noodle:**  I might need extra

**knife:**  I do not have any

**mom:**  I will be there presently.

 

_Around five minutes later._

**ow:**  everyone good?

**kinky bicth:**  yeet

**ow:**  alright ill start

**ow:**  lets start this like basic bitches

**ow:**  kork t or d

**bi noodle:**  t

**ow:**  list your kinks

**bi noodle:**  we're gonna be here for a while

**ow:**  nvm list three of your kinks

**bi noodle:**  bondage, praise, pain

**gay:**  I'm not even surprised

**sneaky mage:**  calm start, seems reasonable

**kinky bicth:**  I love how you went for the tame ones

**bi noodle:**  unlike you, I have friends and wish to keep them

**knife:**  Miu just screamed

**bi noodle:**  good

**ow:** yall better have taken a drink

**bi noodle:**  Miu, truth or dare

**kinky bicth:**  d

**bi noodle:**  give me back my ropes

**kinky bicth:**  goddammit

**sneaky mage:**  drink up shitlords

**kinky bicth:**  okay I'm back and officially have no bondage ropes anymore :((

**gay:**  how do you have none

**kinky bicth:**  I stole all of them from kork

**sneaky mage:**  let's move on before we hear too much

**kinky bicth:**  okay kaedick t or d

**yo what's the scoop:**  truth I guess??

**kinky bicth:**  you gay or what

**yo what's the scoop:**  I came out like six months ago?????

**kinky bicth:**  follow up question, you dtf?

**ow:**  MOVING ON

**yo what's the scoop:**  uhhhh shuuichi t or d

**shitlock:**  t

**yo what's the scoop:**  you kissed kokichi yet ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

**shitlock:**  don't be ridiculous

**shitlock:**  I've done it many times

**ow:**  yeah he has ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

**knife:**  ew

**shitlock:**  maki t or d

**knife:**  d, I'm not a pussy like you

**shitlock:**  go cuddle Kirumi, she deserves it

**mom:**  How sweet of you, Shuuichi.

**knife:**  gladly

**narcissistic avocado:**  confirmation pic?

 

**_mom sent a photo_ **

__

**buzz lightyear:**  cute

**knife:**  I will end you

**knife:**  angie t or d

**just a hoe:**  or

**knife:**  no

**just a hoe:**  d

**knife:**  join the cuddle

**just a hoe:**  woooo!

**just a hoe:**  gremlin t or d

**3'5:**  t

**just a hoe:**  who's the hottest in the class

**3'5:**  rantarou

**3'5:**  there's literally no competition

**narcissistic avocado:**  ik, ty bby

**buzz lightyear:**  and you complain when I call you narcissistic

**narcissistic avocado:**  I'm not narcissistic

**narcissistic avocado:**  I'm just very aware of my good qualities

**buzz lightyear:**  yeah

**buzz lightyear:**  narcissistic

**3'5:**  himiko t or d

**sneaky mage:**  t

**3'5:**  who do you love most

**sneaky mage:**  u

**3'5:**  u shouldn't

**sneaky mage:**  too bad bitch

**sneaky mage:**  love and positivity in this house

**sneaky mage:**  Tenko tord

**gay:**  t

**sneaky mage:**  how did you get so gay

**gay:**  my fairy gaymother smacked me in the head with her anti dick stick

**sneaky mage:**  holy shit me too

**gay:**  woah

**sneaky mage:**  woah

**gay:**  avocado tord

**narcissistic avocado:**  d for the dick

**gay:**  never say that again

**narcissistic avocado:**  that's fair

**gay:**  that was the dare btw

**narcissistic avocado:**  also fair

**narcissistic avocado:**  mom t or d

**mom:**  truth.

**ow:**  ohly siht moms drukn

**kinky bicth:**  yuo seem durnker

**sneaky mage:**  shoulda guessed not hearing from them for a while was a bad sign

**sneaky mage:**  although they are right, mom is drunk. She didn't capitalise her statement

**narcissistic avocado:** holy shit ur rite

**mom:** I SAID TRUTH, GIVE ME A TRUTH

**sneaky mage:**  holy shit, all caps

**narcissistic avocado:**  okay here's your truth; have you been taking extra drinks throughout the game

**mom:**  absolutely. This game moves far slower than I was expecting and I got bored. Maki and Angie are also drinking extra.

**narcissistic avocado:**  oh my god

**mom:**  my favourite child, truth or dare

**shitlock:**  okay so she officially has a favourite. Who do we think it is?

**buzz lightyear:**  I'd say Kiibo but he's asleep and obviously not playing, and she probably knows that, so not him I guess

**shitlock:**  great that just leaves the entire rest of the class

**knife:**  I actually know who it is, she told me and Angie like five minutes ago

**narcissistic avocado:**  shut up satan

**narcissistic avocado:**  we don't care if you know, we just want to also know

**just a hoe:**  keep giving us attitude and you'll never know

**just a hoe:**  if you apologise, atua will bless you with the knowledge

**knife:**  it's Kokichi

**ow:**  oh my god im so honoured

**just a hoe:**  goddammit maki

**just a hoe:**  all is forgiven and no one is allowed to know why

**knife:**  I gave her a kiss

**just a hoe:**  OH MY ATUA MAKI, CAN YOU NOT LET ME KEEP ANYTHING A SECRET

**knife:**  she giggled and also is telling me to tell everyone everything

**shitlock:**  did she tell yuo to say taht too

**knife:**  yep

**ow:**  anywayyyyy

**ow:**  dare

**mom:**  keep being yourself

**ow:**  I'm crying, I love you mom

**ow:**  momo tord

**buzz lightyear:**  dare

**ow:**  go cuddle the prettiest person in the class

**buzz lightyear:**  done and done I've been waiting for an excuse to do this

 

_Ten minutes later_

**ow:**  are we gonna get a confirmation message or him asking someone or anything-

**sneaky mage:**  it's Kork I can hear him happy crying

**sneaky mage:**  they're gonna be cuddling all night

**sneaky mage:**  also it's so late, we should just go to bed

**ow:**  its not that late

**sneaky mage:**  it's 4am

**ow:**  oh

 

_A few days later_

**Private message**

**Rantarou Amami is messaging Tenko Chabashira**

**Rantarou Amami:**  y'know how we both love maple syrup and so does kokichi

**Tenko Chabashira:**  is this to do with his birthday tomorrow

**Rantarou Amami:**  yeh I bought 600 bottles of maple syrup and I want to put them all in his room but I need people helping me

**Tenko Chabashira:**  that sounds hilarious honestly, I'm in

**Rantarou Amami:**  good, the truck will be here at 11am tomorrow

**Rantarou Amami:**  Shuuichi and Kaito have already agreed to take him out for a birthday brunch so he won't be around to catch us

**Tenko Chabashira:** is mom helping

**Rantarou Amami:**  she's already organising his surprise party so I decided to let her focus on that

**Rantarou Amami:**  can you ask Himiko to help, I know she has a spare key to his room

**Rantarou** **Amami:**  I'm gonna talk to Miu + Kork

**Tenko Chabashira:**  should I ask Maki too

**Rantarou Amami:**  she told me this was the dumbest thing she's ever heard and she'll be there at 11:30

**Tenko Chabashira:**  sweet

**Rantarou Amami:**  this is gonna be hilarious

**Tenko Chabashira:**  yeet

 

**Private Message**

**Rantarou Amami is messaging Miu Iruma**

**Rantarou Amami:**  hey

**Miu Iruma:**  if this has anything to do with Kokichi's birthday and the massive shipment of maple syrup you're getting delivered tomorrow, I'm in

**Rantarou Amami:**  so you hacked my email then

**Miu Iruma:**  I've hacked everyone's email

**Rantarou Amami:**  got any inventions that can help us move it all?

**Miu Iruma:**  a few. I knew you'd need the help of someone amazingly talented like me, so I had them prepared

**Rantarou Amami:**  sweet, the syrup gets here at 11 and we have till 5:30 to get it all in

**Miu Iruma:**  6.5 hours? That's gonna be easy

**Rantarou Amami:**  I've thought that before and failed, so I'm playing it safe

**Miu Iruma:**  ur valid

 

** Private message **

**Tenko Chabashira is messaging Himiko Yumeno**

**Tenko Chabashira:**  Rantarou is planning to put 600 bottles of maple syrup in Kokichi's room, wanna help

**Himiko Yumeno:**  absolutely

**Tenko Chabashira:**  it gets here at 11 tomorrow, see you then

**Himiko Yumeno:**  you absolutely will not, I'll be asleep till at least 12:30, ly byeeeeeeeee <3

 

 

**Private message**

**Rantarou Amami is messaging Korekiyo Shinguuji**

**Rantarou Amami:**  wanna prank the shit outta Kokichi for his birthday

**Korekiyo Shinguuji:**  is this about all the maple syrup?

**Rantarou Amami:**  YOU HACKED MY EMAIL TOO?

**Korekiyo Shinguuji:**  no, miu just tells me everything. I'll see you at 11.

**Rantarou Amami:**  k bby, ly

**Korekiyo Shinguuji:**  ly2

 

_**Rantarou Amami added 10 people to a group chat** _

__

**Rantarou Amami:**  y'all can chat in here if you want, but this is mainly just so we can keep track of what the fuck the plan is tomorrow

 

_**Rantarou Amami changed his nickname to god** _

__

**god:**  so 

**god:**  10:30am- Kaito and Shuuichi ambush Kokichi as soon as he wakes up and take him for brunch

 

**_god changed Shuuichi Saihara's nickname to ambush smol_ **

_**god changed Kaito Momota's nickname to ambush tol** _

__

**god:**  11am- the maple syrup arrives & I sign for it. Tenko, Korekiyo and Miu show up around the same time to start helping. We take it slow for maximum maple syrup organisation.

 

_**god changed Tenko Chabashira's nickname to gay syrup** _

_**god changed Korekiyo Shinguuji's nickname to bi syrup** _

_**god changed Miu Iruma's nickname to syrup goddess** _

__

**god:**  11:30am- Maki shows up to help

 

_**god changed Maki Harukawa's nickname to buddy** _

__

**god:**  12pm- Kokichi probably attempts to go home. Kaito and Shuuichi distract him by offering to buy him something sparkly.

**god:**  12:30pm-ish- Himiko shows up to help with the syrup

 

_**god changed Himiko Yumeno's nickname to smol syrup** _

__

**god:**  1pm- the sECOND MAPLE SYRUP SHIPMENT COMES IN

**smol syrup:**  the WHAT

**god:**  THAT'S RIGHT BITCHES, THERE'S ANOTHER ONE

**god:**  FOR A GRAND TOTAL OF 1000 BOTTLES

**gay syrup:**  oh my god

**god:**  1:30pm- kokichi gets back and is intercepted by Angie who takes him to her research lab to give him a special present. She keeps him there until it gets suspicious

 

_**god changed Angie Yonaga's nickname to art distraction** _

__

**god:**  2:15pm- Kokichi leaves Angie's lab and is met along the way by Kaede who takes him to her lab, also for a special present

 

_**god changed Kaede Akamatsu's nickname to musical distraction** _

__

**god:**  3pm- Kokichi leaves kaedes lab and runs into Tsumugi. Tsumugi does her usual "you'd look so good in this cosplay" thing except she makes it really convincing and actually gets him to go along with it. She makes him do a full photoshoot at the end, so we can all see it.

 

_**god changed Tsumugi Shirogane's nickname to cosplay distraction** _

__

**god:**  5pm- Kokichi probably starts getting antsy about the time due to the "dinner" Kirumi is preparing, Tsumugi takes the cosplay off him and reveals the cute outfit she, Kork and Himiko got him

**god:**  she works her magic to make him even cuter than he already was and takes him down to the party for 6

**god:**  all of us finish up by 5:30 and go down to help Kirumi

**god:**  oh the party planners know nothing about this btw

**god:**  the party finishes somewhere between 1 and 6am, Kokichi goes back to his room and he finds our glorious work

**god:**  everyone got it?

**musical distraction:**  where the hell did you get the money for this

**god:**  sh

 

_**god changed the name of the group chat to maple syrup game strong** _

__

**god:**  let's do this bitches

 

_Kokichi's Birthday (technically the next day since this is set at like 3:30am, but shhhh)_

 

**Group Chat Active: Hell**

**ow:**  omfg

**ow:**  rantarou was this you

**narcissistic avocado:**  I planned it

**narcissistic avocado:**  I had help tho

**ow:**  i knew momo would never take me for brunch without an ulterior motive

**ow:**  but how did you know i wouldnt come back after that???

**narcissistic avocado:**  literally everyone was in on it except Kirumi, Ryouma, Gonta and Kiibo

**narcissistic avocado:**  needed to make sure the surprise party went smoothly too, so we left them in charge of that and went about our plans on our own

**ow:**  :')

**ow:**  i love you all so much

**narcissistic avocado:**  cuddle pile 2.0?

**ow:**  please

**mom:**  I will bring the spare blankets again. Should I take mattresses and line the floor with them instead of us all lying on the ground?

**narcissistic avocado:**  yeet

**knife:**  I'll help

**mom:**  That won't be necessary, Maki, I can handle it.

**knife:**  it's not about it being necessary. It's not necessary for you to be great to us 24/7. I want to help.

**mom:**  Well... If you insist.

**gay:**  I'm going to help too- you deserve a hand with this stuff more often

**mom:**  You're both too sweet.

**ow:**  we all love you mom

**ow:**  mostly me

**ow:**  but everyone else does too


	14. Ryouma's Birthday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Ryouma's birthday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is kinda awful but I did my best

  **s** **neaky mage:**  quick question

**sneaky mage:**  how the fuck do y'all pronounce hummus?

**shitlock:**  huh-mus ?

**kinky bicth:**  it's hugh-mus you fucking cretin

**yo what's the scoop:**  you're both wrong, it's hugh-mas

**buzz lightyear:**  it's huh-mas tho????

**ow:**  miu is right and rest of you are dead to me

**gay:**  it's definitely huh-mus though

**sneaky mage:**  Tenko, I love you

**ow:**  ITS HUGH-MUS AND YOU KNOW IT

**sneaky mage:**  IT'S WRITTEN HUMMUS, WHY THE FUCK WOULD IT BE HUGH-MUS

**ow:**  IT'S WRITTEN YACHT, WHY THE FUCK WOULD IT BE YOT

**shitlock:**  you're right on that front, but it's still huh-mus

**sneaky mage:**  EVEN SHUUICHI THINKS I'M RIGHT

**sneaky mage:**  I'M COUNTING KAITO AS ON MY SIDE TOO

**ow:**  GREAT, THEN I'VE GOT KAEDE AND MIU

**sneaky mage:**  I will assemble an army against you, you utter bottle of room temperature water

**ow:**  im a bottle of room temperature water WITH A STRAW

**sneaky mage:**  a paper straw

**ow:**  WOW OK

 

**Private Message**

**Himiko Yumeno is messaging Kaede Akamatsu**

**Himiko Yumeno:**  I'm still mad you disagree with me on the hummus argument, but have you got the stuff

**Kaede Akamatsu:**  yep, it's all here

**Himiko Yumeno:**  good. Remember; 4 o'clock.

**Kaede Akamatsu:**  got it

 

**Private Message**

**Himiko Yumeno is messaging Kirumi Toujo**

**Himiko Yumeno:**  hi Mom, you're organising Ryouma's birthday lunch, right?

**Kirumi Toujo:**  I am indeed.

**Himiko Yumeno:**  great. Kaede, Shuuichi and I have something planned for afterwards, can you ask Shuuichi to help you do the dishes while everyone's talking

**Himiko Yumeno:**  he won't actually be able to help, he just needs to conveniently be out of the room at that point so he can sneak over to Ryouma's room and help Kaede

**Kirumi Toujo:**  Could he not claim that he needs to go to the restroom?

**Himiko Yumeno:**  Kaede's already using that excuse, don't want it to be suspicious

**Kirumi Toujo:**  Good planning. I will be happy to assist you. 

**Himiko Yumeno:**  thanks

**Himiko Yumeno:**  we would invite you, but we want it to be really small so he and they don't get overwhelmed

**Kirumi Toujo:**  I trust your judgement. I'm sure you'll tell me all about it afterwards.

**Himiko Yumeno:**  you betcha. Love you mom

**Kirumi Toujo:**  I love you too.

 

**Private Message**

**Himiko Yumeno is messaging Shuuichi Saihara**

**Himiko Yumeno:**  Kaede has the stuff, mom's covering for you so you can slip out

**Shuuichi Saihara:**  what's happening with you

**Himiko Yumeno:**  I'm walking him back to him room

**Shuuichi Saihara:**  great. How many are there?

**Himiko Yumeno:**  forgot to ask. Somewhere between 5 and 10

**Shuuichi Saihara:**  that's quite a lot, are we sure we can handle it??

**Himiko Yumeno:**  totally

**Shuuichi Saihara:**  whatever you say

 

**Group Chat Active: Hell**

**3'5:**  why did the chat just die??? Also, Himiko is right

**sneaky mage:**  YAS

**sneaky mage:**  and idk, but let's revive it

**just a hoe:**  who wants to play truth or dare again

**3'5:**  we played it like really recently tho

**just a hoe:**  WHO WANTS TO PLAY TRUTH OR DARE AGAIN

**3'5:**  fuckin hell, okay

**sneaky mage:**  is anyone else still here???

**shitlock:**  yeah, I'm here

**yo what's the scoop:**  me too

**sneaky mage:**  your username is exhausting to read

 

_**sneaky mage changed yo what's the scoop's nickname to stronk piano fingers** _

__

**sneaky mage:**  better

**stronk piano fingers:**  is it?

**sneaky mage:**  absolutely

**just a hoe:**  should I start??

**sneaky mage:**  yeah, go ahead

**just a hoe:**  himiko tord

**sneaky mage:**  d

**just a hoe:**  find and hug tenko + give no explantion

**sneaky mage:**  lmao k

**just a hoe:**  haha she'll never find her

**just a hoe:**  atua has hidden tenko

**stronk piano fingers:**  she's in your bed, isn't she

**just a hoe:**  yeah

**just a hoe:**  oh she found her

**sneaky mage:**  yeah cause you revealed her location in the chat, duh

**just a hoe:**  not my smartest move, I will admit

**sneaky mage:**  ryouma tord

**3'5:**  d

**sneaky mage:**  say something nice about yourself

**3'5:**  I have hair

**sneaky mage:**  something NICE not totally average

**3'5:**  ugh

**3'5:**  liking cats is a good quality of mine I guess

**sneaky mage:**  it absolutely is, you funky little tennis player

**3'5:**  thanks I hate it

**3'5:**  Kaede, tord

**stronk piano fingers:**  t

**3'5:**  what do you have my contact saved as

**stronk piano fingers:**  uhhhhhhhh

**sneaky mage:**  answer the question piano (wo)man

**stronk piano fingers:**  ...... edgiest of edgelords

**3'5:**  I KNEW IT

**shitlock:**  oh my god kaede

**just a hoe:**  atua is amused by this

**3'5:**  I gotta go, Gonta needs me for something

**stronk piano fingers:**  shuu, Kaito needs us suddenly??? He refuses to explain

**shitlock:**  not again

**just a hoe:**  oh

**just a hoe:**  guess I'll die 

**sneaky mage:**  can I join your cuddles since the game fell apart

**just a hoe:**  yeh, get in here

 

_The next day_

**Private Message**

**Rantarou Amami is messaging Ryouma Hoshi**

**Rantarou Amami:**  birth

**Ryouma Hoshi:**  thanks

**Ryouma Hoshi:**  did this have to be at exactly midnight tho

**Rantarou Amami:**  of course

 

** Private Message  **

** Kirumi Toujo is messaging Ryouma Hoshi **

**Kirumi Toujo:**  Happy Birthday, Ryouma. I hope you have a pleasant day.

**Ryouma Hoshi:**  Thanks mom

**Kirumi Toujo:**  I'll see you at lunch.

**Ryouma Hoshi:**  thanks again for organising that. And get some rest, you deserve it

**Kirumi Toujo:**  Thank you, Ryouma. I will.

 

**Private Message**

**Himiko Yumeno is messaging Ryouma Hoshi**

**Himiko Yumeno:**  happy birthday tiny edgelord

**Ryouma Hoshi:**  love you too 

**Ryouma Hoshi:**  I'm going to sleep, see you in the normal person morning

 

**Group Chat Active: Hell**

**ow:**  HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE TINIEST GUY IN CLASS

**sneaky mage:**  you're too late, he just went to bed

**ow:**  goddammit

 

_After lunch_

**buzz lightyear:**  Shuuichi wtf where are you

**shitlock:**  with Kaede

**buzz lightyear:**  and where's kaede

**shitlock:**  with Himiko

**buzz lightyear:**  and where's Himiko

**shitlock:** with Ryouma

**buzz lightyear:**  and where's Ryouma

**shitlock:**  with so many cats

**buzz lightyear:**  what

**knife:**  what

**narcissistic avocado:**  what

**most perfect boi:**  what

**mom:**  How thoughtful. I'm sure he must be enjoying that gift.

**shitlock:**  oh he adores it

**shitlock:**  never seen him this happy

**shitlock:**  Kaede seems pretty exhausted though, she had them all last night

**who is she:**  that was sweet of her

**shitlock:**  she just said that if I ever try to make her take care of that many cats again she's gonna train them to clas my eyes out

**who is she:**  like I said

**who is she:**  that was sweet of her


	15. This was meant to be out a while ago but oh well

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kork's birthday was on the 31st and I was having writer's block all through the end of last month so I didn't do anything for it. Also I started reading Homestuck. Also I had a day where I just really loved Kaito. That's my explanation for all of this. I didn't proofread this at all.

**ow:**  do yall just ever sit and think "wow

**shitlock:**  Kaito really 

**stronk piano fingers:**  be out here

**narcissistic avocado:** being the

**knife:**  best person

**bi**   **noodle:**  on this planet"

**3'5:**  how long did that take to plan

**ow:**  it actually wasn't planned I sent the message early but they were right that was what I was gonna say

**stronk piano fingers:**  Kaito appreciation is a constant universal mood

**sneaky mage:**  you're so right

**gay:**  he's ok sometimes I guess

**buzz lightyear:**  I'm crying I love you guys too

**ow:**  hey remember the cuddle pile

**ow:**  can we have one solely dedicated to my boyf 

**shitlock:**  which one

**ow:**  i didnt come here to get my polyam ass called out, ok

**sneaky mage:**  before we discuss a cuddle pile, either me or kokichi is cancelled and it's up to you guys to decide who

**shitlock:**  dare I ask why?

**ow:**  she's reading homestuck for the first time

**sneaky mage:**  so am I cancelled because I've never read homestuck before

**ow:**  or am I cancelled for being a fucking homestuck

**shitlock:**  you're both cancelled for having any interest in that thing

**stronk piano fingers:**  you said to me, not even two days ago, that you still love dave strider with your, and I quote, "entire, massively queer heart"

**shitlock:**  I NEVER SAID I WASN'T ALSO CANCELLED

**3'5:**  I want to ask what the fuck homestuck is, but I get the feeling I don't want to know

**narcissistic avocado:**  oh my god, he doesn't know what homestuck is

**gay:**  Himiko, I support you

**gay:**  even if you are becoming a fucking homestuck

**kinky bicth:**  you cried over rose lalonde fanart like last week

**gay:**  THIS ISN'T ABOUT ME

**kinky bicth:**  4ND B3F0R3 SOM3ON3 TR13S TO C4LL M3 OUT TOO

**kinky bicth:**  1'M 4 FUCK1NG HOM3STUCK 4ND PROUD

**shitlock:**  oh god, not the leetspeak

**sneaky mage:**  is this a reference to something I don't get yet

**ow:**  SHE HASNT EVEN MET JADE YET DON'T RUIN IT GUYS 

**kinky bicth:**  YOULL UND3RST4ND WH3N TH3 T1M3 COM3S

**shitlock:**  so this is just... Permanent now?

**kinky bicth:**  Y34H

**kinky bicth:**  1 4LW4YS TYP3 L1K3 TH1S W1TH OTH3R HOM3STUCKS

**kinky bicth:**  1 JUST D1DNT W4NT TO B3 JUDG3D 

**kinky bicth:**  BUT W3R3 4LL F1LTHY HOM3STUCKS H3R3

**sneaky mage:**  this is exhausting, please tell me there's not a character that talks like that

**kinky bicth:**  :]

**ow:**  :]

**shitlock:**  :]

**gay:**  :]

**sneaky mage:**  I regret this so much 

**3'5:**  I just want to add that we're not all Homestucks here, because I don't know what that is

**mom:**  Neither do I.

**ow:**  we cannot let mom read homestuck

**ow:**  shell hate us forever

**sneaky mage:**  idk, it seems to have an interesting enough plot for her to overlook all the bad language

**ow:**  shut up, you don't even know who Jade is

**sneaky mage:**  ACTUALLY

**sneaky mage:**  I JUST MET HER

**sneaky mage:**  so shut up

**shitlock:**  god I have so many feelings

**stronk piano fingers:**  are you remembering the time john and presumably jade died and dave and rose struggled alone for four months

**shitlock:**  .......maybe

**ow:** oh mood

**kinky bicth:**  C4NT W41T FOR H1M1KO TO F1N1SH 1T SO OUR SQU4D C4N M3M3

**gay:**  I'm guessing Angie's read it

**kinky bicth:**  OH 4BSOLUT3LY

**kinky bicth:**  SH3 LOOK3D 4T TH3 CH4T A WH1L3 4GO 4ND 1MM3D14T3LY R4N OFF TO M4KE F4N4RT C4US3 H1M1KO R3M1ND3D H3R TH4T SH3 H4DNT DR4WN K4RK4T 1N MONTHS 4ND SH3 D3C1D3D TH4T W4S UN4CC3PT4BL3

**shitlock:**  please stop typing big sentences, it's so tiring to read

**ow:**  back to cuddle pile plans??????

**buzz lightyear:**  I'm down for that

**ow:**  only certified kaito lovers™ are allowed to join

**shitlock:**  so...

**shitlock:**  everyone

**ow:**  yeah

**bi noodle:**  too late I claimed him for the next week

**bi noodle:**  you want to know why?

**bi noodle:**  because one (1) of you wished me a happy birthday except kaito.

**shitlock:**  since when was july over??

**shitlock:**  I'm so sorry, I haven't known the date since like june

**stronk piano fingers:**  wait what?!? I'm sorry Korekiyo, I didn't realise how late in the month it was!! 

**mom:**  I should have reminded everyone, I apologise.

**bi noodle:**  at least you remembered.

**3'5:**  I've been out of it for a couple weeks, sorry about that

**sneaky mage:**  oh no

**sneaky mage:**  it's that point in the summer where I lose track of the days constantly, I'm sorry

**bi noodle:**  you can all stop apologising now. I'm okay with it, it just hurts since there were big celebrations for Kokichi and Ryouma.

**ow:**  i love you you dork ass loser

**bi noodle:**  you love everyone

**ow:**  NO

**ow:**  IM MEAN AND EVIL AND DETEST YOU ALL

**sneaky mage:**  sure

**bi noodle:**  but really.

**bi noodle:**  it's alright. I know it's at a forgettable time of the year. Just never do it again, or I will rip out all of your nerves.

**shitlock:**  what a creative threat...

**kinky bicth:**  1 4CTU4LLY D1DNT FORG3T, 1T JUST F3LT 4WKW4RD S4Y1NG H4PPY B1RTHD4Y WH3N YOUR PR3S3NT W4SNT R34DY

**bi noodle:**  so you... Ignored me... For a week...?

**kinky bicth:**  Y34H

**kinky bicth:**  BUT WH3N YOU S4Y 1T L1K3 TH4T, 1T SOUNDS UNR34SON4BL3

**bi noodle:**  that's because it's unreasonable. I wouldn't have minded if you didn't give me a present at all, never mind a late one.

**kinky bicth:**  OH

**kinky bicth:**  W3LL NOW 1 JUST F33L DUMB

**ow:**  but like

**ow:**  can i get kaito back pls

**bi noodle:**  sure

**ow:**  yay!

**bi noodle:**  in exchange for your nerves.

**ow:**  but i need those

 

_Skip forward by like a couple days, idk, that conversation should've been on like the 2nd and this one is later_

**sneaky mage:**  WHAT THE FUCK

**just a hoe:**  what's wrooong, Himiko?

**sneaky mage:**  ONE OF THOSE TROLLS CUNTS JUST KILLED JOHN

**sneaky mage:**  WHAT

**just a hoe:**  don't worry! Remember, time travel is a big part of that webcomic! The trolls use it all the time, it's only a matter of time before the humans do too!

**sneaky mage:**  now there's two Daves????

**sneaky mage:**  I don't know how much longer I can keep up with this

**gay:**  don't worry!! You must be getting close to the recaps!!

**sneaky mage:**  THERE'S RECAPS? Oh thank atua

**ow:**  shuuichis crying again lmao

**shitlock:**  I'm not crying!!

**shitlock:**  I just get sad when I'm reminded of John's death

**shitlock:**  Dave was all alone!!!

**sneaky mage:**  he had rose??????

**shitlock:**  BUT HE DIDN'T HAVE JOHN

**sneaky mage:**  sure, but there's a difference between losing some friends and losing all of them

**sneaky mage:**  and doesn't John just get brought back?? Also, this is Jade erasure

**shitlock:**  yeah, but Dave spent four months without him!!!! Four months!!!!! I could never spend that long without Kaito!! Or without Kokichi!! Or Rantarou!! Or Kiyo!! Or Ryouma!! Or Gonta!! Or Kiibo!! Or Kaede!! Or

**ow:**  WE GET IT, EVERYONE LOVES YOU

**sneaky mage:**  you good, buddy??

**ow:**  no, I want momo

**bi noodle:**  should've remembered my birthday then

**buzz lightyear:**  sorry Kokichi, but you did forget his birthday

**ow:**  NO ONE EVER KNOWS WHAT THE DATE IS AT THE END OF JULY

**bi noodle:**  it's actually quite boring to stay away from all of you for so long, so I'm going to shorten the time anyway. 

**kinky bicth:**  1TS B33N 3 D4YS 4ND YOUR3 4LR34DY G1V1NG 1N??

**bi noodle:**  can you please use the words for numbers instead of the number if you're going to keep up the leetspeak, I spent an embarrassing amount of time trying to figure out what an e day was

**kinky bicth:**  H4

**bi noodle:**  but yes. I miss everyone.

**ow:**  aww that's cute give momo back now

**bi**   **noodle:**  just because of your attitude, you have to wait till tomorrow

**ow:**  im going to fling myself into the sun so hard my dick falls off

**sneaky mage:**  what does that even mean

**knife:**  I don't know, but I understand it anyway. Not seeing Kaito for so long is getting to both of us.

**ow:**  maki come here

**knife:**  no

**ow:**  i wanna show you a thing

**knife:**  19

**sneaky mage:**  you two make no sense so much of the time???

**ow:**  as long as we understand the messages then it doesnt matter

**sneaky mage:**  ok but literally what the fuck does 19 mean in that context

**ow:**  figure it out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Choose in the comments who is cancelled and who is valid  
> Also if you can figure out what Maki was saying, you get to request something for me to include in this fic (be it a minor plot line or more of a certain ship, or whatever)


End file.
